Strength

I know I have really quite for awhile. There has been quite a bit going on.

Heads up, UPG ahead!

The end of 2015 and going into 2016 was rough. Got sick twice (and I never get sick), it flooded enough where I couldn’t go home for a full week, and money troubles (from missing work because of being sick). With the flooding I wasn’t able to go home even to get the necessities. Stuck in a hotel with the family for a week with nothing. Had to buy a couple pieces of clothing and toiletries so that also didn’t help with my money situation. Things are finally starting to calm down.

I whined about all this shit happening to Thor. He chuckled and told me “You can’t form steel into a sword without a lot of heat”. Great. Thanks. So most likely more bullshit to come.

Spiritually has been interesting too. Frankly, I really didn’t want to post anything about it at first, but I decided “fuck it”. What better day to post this than on Thor’s day?

My relationship with Fenrir is just about nothing at this point. It hurts having him gone but it made way for something much bigger.

I had made a decision at the beginning of all this that I didn’t want to be a Godspouse. Yea, He obviously had different plans.

So during this whole ordeal it became official. There was a bit of an argument between Freya and Thor concerning Her plans for me. She has been pouting for a little while now.

When this all began I made an agreement with Thor to wear red for him every Thursday, His day. It’s something small, but it is what he asked of me. I also burn the incense I have picked out for him every Thursday night.

The other night he requested whiskey. He wants me to keep a small cup or shot glass of it on my alter and take a shot with him once a week (I’m not much of a drinker, I know uncommon for a Heathen). With Him it is always the small things.

Lightning and keys have become important symbols of our ever growing relationship.

I sleep with him every night now instead of only Thursday nights. Everything used to always happen on Thursdays now that I think about it.

I’ve also had to learn some things about myself.

I used to always think I was a bit cynical and almost bitter when it comes to anything most would deem romantic. I claimed it as a part of myself and often used it as a shield to protect myself from getting hurt.

I’ve been shown that isn’t entirely true. What I thought was just a part of me was a wall that I had built to protect myself. Something that I had created, not something that was just a part of me. Poking at that wall actually hurts, and may be the end of my current relationship with my boyfriend.

I figured out that is the true reason behind my unhappiness with him. There is no romance. We act just like friends who happen to have sex. I’m the one who always decides what we do, there are never any surprises. It isn’t for lack of trying on part, but anytime I try to get him to make a decision I just get “I don’t know”. Thor has started to push for me to break things off too.

Strength is the name of the game now that things are more official.

Strength isn’t just physical, but mental/emotional.

Sure He is pushing for me to build up my physical strength, but that is a piece of cake compared to emotional strength.

 Strength is many things, and sometimes it could even mean being strong enough to push aside your pride and ask for help when it is needed. It is also being able to stand on your own two feet and not expecting things to be done for you.

I’ve always been very good at false strength. Making it seem like to the outside world that I’m this sort of powerful woman, Hel I’ve been told countless times I’m intimidating (something I struggle to believe).

Since our marriage (yea that is scary saying out loud, well typing) he has been swinging his hammer about, violently breaking down my walls and really breaking me down.

Not going to lie, it definitely has not been a fun ride.

It is pain, but from personal experience I can honestly say pain can either make you stronger or break you. The choice is yours.

In other news I mourn for three deaths, Lemmy of Motorhead, David Bowie the Goblin King and Alan Rickman. I wish for a glorious afterlife for these amazing men where ever their faiths took them.

Ancestors- Beginning

“The songs of our ancestors are also the songs of our children”
― Philip Carr-Gomm

Finally getting around to start my research on ancestor work. When it rains it pours around here.

I’m starting off by really looking into Ancestor Veneration in general in Heathen traditions.

Here is a nice post by the lovely Cara Freyasdaughter, she seems to be starting down the same path I am though I definitely don’t have the resources to travel to a country of my ancestors.

Much like with Cara, my family doesn’t pay much attention to culture identity or our history. My father’s side is a bit more interested (remember the book I had mentioned before with the Viking long ship on the cover) but not by too terribly much. I have no real family traditions that have been passed down, no recipes, nada. My sister’s (on my father’s side) passing mention of the family book got me researching Heathenry (and then a certain hammer busted the door down) which in turn got me more interested in looking at my own ancestors.

I’m working on digging into my family tree. I have a strong feeling it will take quite some time. While I’m doing that, I’ll be touching on what I already know (when I get the chance). I’ll start talking about actually doing ancestor work and well as discussing some of the history and symbols of my own heritage.

For the moment I will leave you with another thing to read. This is a bit more academic and focuses on the Disir.

Also keep this in mind. We are the future ancestors.

Until next time loves. Happy Thor’s day!

News!

So I’ve been silent the last couple days because they had me training someone new at my work so been pretty busy, so here are updates.

First, I need to talk about the woman I have been training. She’s a heathen! I cannot tell you guess how excited I got when I saw her wearing a hammer. I had to control myself and not jump on it. I wanted to feel it out a bit and eased into talking about it. And yup, full blown heathen. See, the only other pagans around here (and they are few and far between already) are Wiccans, so to have found a real life heathen was amazing! To actually have someone in real life to talk to about my religion, though I’m keeping the more woo stuff on the down low for the moment.

And that’s not all. She is part of a kindred. There is more to that, just bare with me.

So on the 10th, I went with my best friend to the Saint Louis Pagan Pride. First of all, it was awesome in general being around other pagans. I’m usually the quiet shy person and my best friend is the more outgoing one. Not at Pagan Pride. I was talking up a storm with a bunch of people, and frankly I really surprised myself. It was a lot smaller than I thought it would be but it is still something fairly new so I suspect it will get bigger over time, but the people that were there were awesome.

Back track a bit. I was talking with my new heathen coworker about the event, asking if she was going. She said probably not but her kindred will be having a booth there.

When I got there, I got to the booth and talked to the Chieftain of the kindred and it was an instant click. That’s right folk, I got invited to be a part of a kindred! The first two events they invited me to sadly I won’t make (well one was last week, so didn’t make it) because I’m still recovering financially from the visit to the ER. The next one is on Halloween, which I already promised my best friend I’d be going to her party, and I keep my promises. I will definitely be at the next one and I am so excited and nervous all at the same time. They are a ways from me (at least an hour) but doing that every couple of months will be worth it. To finally be a part of the physical community. I did double check with my coworker to make sure she was okay with me joining, and she actually really wants me to. After I finally go to the first gathering, I’ll let you guys know how that goes.

Things are going very well with my boyfriend. This next part might be a little much on information for some (a tad sexual) so feel free to skip to the next paragraph. Sunday morning  I actually made the first move in bed. If you have been keeping up on this blog, you know it is kind of a big deal for me considering my history. This is the first time I have ever blatantly made the first move, usually I just hint. And to say the least the result was amazing. Hail Freya for her work with me, ha ha.

Now I have a bit of a problem. The man I formerly referred to as Fen. I will now be calling him The Leo (he’s a Leo). With my relationship with Fenrir now, I don’t really feel that nickname for him is appropriate anymore. Well, had a dream about him last night. A very not appropriate dream considering my current relationship status. It is rather infuriating. For some reason I just can’t get that man out of my life. He had his chance with me, and he decided going to orgy rituals were more important. I’m sorry but I’m a Wolf. We are territorial and I will not change that. I’ve kept him at more than arms length but he keeps popping up an it really pisses me off. I don’t even think about him and then I have a dream with him popping in it, and there is always affection between the two of us in my dreams. I just want it to stop. I’m happy in my current relationship and I don’t want to mess it up.

As far as my relationship with Thor goes, and that work, everything is well. I had to put off getting a tattoo and getting the bracelet for him unfortunately with my money situation. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get the tattoo now, especially with my older sister’s baby shower coming up and then the holidays. Probably will have to wait until next year which really sucks. Especially since now my car is needing new brakes and an oil change.

All in all, all is well here. A little stressful but not too bad. I have more stuff I want to discuss but that will be in a post all it’s own, which I will try to get in today.

If I don’t get the next one up today, until next time loves!

On the Verge

I’m on the verge of losing my mind.

Warning: This is going to be a rant about my personal life, will most likely involve adult words. Skip if you wish.

 So my sister’s birthday is coming up. Referring to my older sister that is pregnant. She had posted on Facebook something about thanking people ( I was tagged in this) for the baby shower stuff. Mind you the baby shower isn’t until November. So I commented asking her what she was wanting to do for her birthday.

Her answer was wanting my mom, her and I to all get a pedicure together, go out to eat as a family and have game night.

Keep in mind, I currently have $400 ER bill from last Wednesday, and I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Whatever they are going to need to do is going to cost money. I am effectively broke for the first time in a long time. I can’t fucking afford pedicures. Not even for just myself. So I told her this. Her reaction? “Don’t worry about it then.”

Are you fucking kidding me.

The one time I’m broke and she wants the fucking moon and pouts when I tell her I can’t afford it.

This is my sister. This is the way she has always been. She wants the world to revolve around her and if someone goes against it she throws a fit. Now that she is pregnant it is a hundred times worse. She may pull that shit with everyone else, but with me, that shit doesn’t fly. I told my mom this morning if she wants to act like that I won’t be involved in her birthday at all. I don’t have the energy to deal with this shit right now.

My sister is one of those people everyone tends to like (she’s a Libra if that helps at all), that is until they see how she treats people (especially me).

To give an example of another incident.

For my best friend’s birthday I asked my sister if she could take us to down town St. Charles. At the time I didn’t how to get there and I wanted my BF to see the metaphysical shop and the Celtic store they have there. I told her I’d help with gas and buy us dinner. The deal was just her, me and my BF. This was when her fiancé was a truck driver and gone most of the time. Well, it turned out that he was coming home early. I told my sister he could go but I could not afford to pay for his dinner too. She agreed to this. So we all go on the trip, everything goes fine until we leave and head out to eat. This was my best friend’s birthday. I wanted to go to a semi nice place. The second we leave my sister starts begging me to pay for him to eat too, even after I told her specifically I couldn’t. Kept saying “well if we go to a cheaper place you can”. That was when my BF decided she didn’t like my sister anymore.

That is just an example of a multitude of incidents where she has tried to get me to pay for something or for her, even if I tell her I can’t afford it, and then try to make me feel guilty about it. Or wanted me to take her somewhere or go somewhere when I couldn’t of frankly didn’t want to. She throws a fit and doesn’t talk to me for awhile. She waits to see if I’ll beg her for forgiveness (most of her friends do) and once she realizes I won’t, she comes back and acts like nothing happened.

Our own mother has even noticed this pattern and gets concerned if we spend too much time together.

Since her being pregnant I have put up with a lot more of her bullshit than I normally would but that is stopping right now.

I’m trying, I really am. Family is a big deal to me, especially now that I have a niece on the way. But I will not sacrifice my sanity for the sake of family.

That is all.

October is approaching

Just a little side note first.

I might be a little on the inactive side. Fenrir is requesting I keep some of the relationship work private (understandably so). I will try to post when something starts itching and needs to be shared. But as far as my relationships with Thor and Fenrir, I’m going to be very selective in what I share. Just working on the relationships and with the way things are going right now it is a bit on the sensitive side. Thor has been pretty rare in appearances as of late, working, so that is making things just a tad more difficult (I’m not complaining, its just a fact.)

In other news, I’m starting to feel Skadi touching at the edge of my senses.

I think she is coming back! Seems The Hunt starting so early is bring her around a lot earlier as well.

Any way, now on topic.

October is definitely my favorite month.

First of all, autumn. All things Halloween-y. And just the feel in the air is like pot to me (not crack because it is incredibly relaxing). Fenrir is showing me he has some pretty strong ties to fall as well.

I’m a lot more active spiritually, physically and emotionally during fall. Summer heat drains me to where I’m barely functional. I hide inside in the AC (plus I burn incredibly easily) and just watch TV mostly. During fall I actually go out and do shit and it really lifts my spirit. Not to mention it means the holidays are on their way and I love the holiday season. Just has a warm fuzzy feel to it that I can’t get enough of. My boyfriend tried saying he was a scrooge.  I made sure he knew that wasn’t going to fly with me. I pulled the “you’re going to be happy about the holidays whether you want to or not, and you’re gonna like it!” He doesn’t seem to be too upset about it. I’m getting this Christmas sweater I found. On it it says “Fa la la la la, Valhalla la” with a shield, axe and sword on it. I showed it to him and he wanted one too. I joked about having matching sweaters and he even actually agreed to taking a picture with me of us both wearing it (he hates taking pictures) so I think he is okay with it all.

I’m starting to make plans for October.

I’m going to Pagan Pride in the city. Super excited about that. Going with my best friend and this is the first time either of us has gone. I don’t know what to expect but it will be nice being surrounded by other pagans.

Planning some trips to the local graveyards. I’m going to be ordering soon some crystals for offerings to the spirits. Not so excited about going to visit my grandmother’s grave. I haven’t gone in a long time, and I know it will be emotion filled. She died on my ninth birthday, with me being mad  Freya is pushing for me to bring my boyfriend with me for that reason. What he sees of my is about 70% independent woman who has been single forever and very much prefers to take care of things herself, and about 30% giant dorky goofball (I am the master of weird faces). She insists that he needs to see a much more vulnerable side of me. Not looking forward to that. Not so good at showing my vulnerable side. I’m a Cancer, I hide in my shell when I’m vulnerable.

I’m going to go out and spend as much time as possible outside before it gets too cold.

I’m going to try working getting my tattoo somewhere in there, or at least in November. It is more of a money issue, plus not sure where I’m going to go. Probably going to try the artist that did my best friend’s tat. Also still trying to figure out exactly what it is going to be.

That got a bit rambly.

Until next time loves.

Happy Thor’s day!

Wolf’s gifts for the Wolf

So everything is done and received. Got my candle, and finished my little project for Fenrir.

If you have been keeping up with my evolving relationship with Fenrir, I promised him an answer to whether or not I would marry him once I got the candle. Got the candle, had to answer. Answer was a tentative yes (which had him pouting for awhile), with a long engagement. He knows I’m wanting to work on my relationship with Thor more before taking that step, but I love him. I may be a little bit of a commitment-phobe to be honest. Even with my boyfriend on this side of the fence, I have to fight the urge to run sometimes.

Without further or do, pictures!

This is the candle for Fenrir I commissioned Beth to make. She is always good about working with me on the scents for custom candles. I usually know colors, but scent is something I have no idea about. She always has good options and they always work out great. I told her I wanted something woodsy, and she came up with fir needle, black pine, and cedar wood. I love it.

I wear this just about everyday. I bought it off Seb. It went on sale at just the right moment. It is made with dark Labradorite (which is one of my favorite stones). There is some flash on the beads but they are really had to capture without spending more time on it than I really have.

And my project for Him!

*insert drum roll*

This is the first necklace I have ever made.

The pendant is hand carved out of Ziricote (type of wood from South America) and finished with a lacquer. Not only do I love the image of the howling wolf but the wood pendant is a nod to his roots being born in the iron wood.

The large beads are labradorite which have an amazing flash to them. The smaller being smoky quartz with hematite spacers.

Honestly, the necklace was very influenced by both Beth and Sebastian. But he was wanting it specially made by my own hands (normally I buy stuff from them, only way I’m artistic usually is sketching).

I’m really proud of how it turned out. At first it was a little rocky. I had to order all the beads and the pendant online so that can be semi risky (no really good local places to get that kind of stuff). The smoky quartz beads were actually smaller than they were supposed to so I had to reconsider my original plan of design. It actually turned out better this way than I originally planned (Fenrir: I know what I’m doing, thank you).

Now guess who wants a necklace made too?

Freya: *waiving spastically*

Me: You’re lucky I love you.

Freya: *laughs maniacally*

Thor is good, he’s getting a tattoo.

Until next time loves.

Happy Mani’s Day!

Two Wolves and the Thunderer Part II

There was a whole part of the conversation with Thor last night that I completely forgot.

Was going to add it to the last post but eh, just making a second one.

After the conversation with Him about our relationship, I asked him about how he felt about me possibly marrying Fenrir. With this one he was a bit more direct.

I ended up pulling Strength.

Not only is he not against it but he thinks it will be beneficial to both of us He believes I will “tame” him and that he will make me stronger, that we will tear down each others bindings.

It was an unexpected card for me.

By the way, the reason I decided to do this through tarot cards instead of just talk to them like I normally would is to avoid my own thought getting in the way or tainting their opinions. Now the tarot cards give more of a general answer that you have to actually relate to the question at hand, but the general answer will steer you in the correct direction.

This is probably my shortest post to date.

Two Wolves and the Thunderer

So with all this stuff going on with Fenrir, I haven’t talked much about Thor.

For the new viewers at home, Thor was the first of the Norse to come into my life and he had very much approached me. It was at a time when I was trying to find what religion would be right for me after falling out of Wicca (the gateway to being pagan for most). I had briefly looked at the Norse Path, and apparently grabbed his attention, deciding to bust down the door.

Fenrir is a lot newer as far as the Gods in my life, but he really likes pushing things forward quickly.

With Fenrir being very obvious about wanting marriage, I have been worried about how Thor might feel about this. I had previously made it very clear about not wanting to be a godspouse. Now, I’m not so sure on it.

Yesterday being His day, I had a sit down with him. I whipped out Tarot Illuminati again. I’m not going to get into the specific cards this time because there were several. I really just asked him what he is wanting to become/ get out of our relationship.

I had to pull several cards because this one was a bit more complicated. With Fenrir, the card I pulled was incredibly obvious so I didn’t feel the need to go any further.

Here’s what came of it.

With Fenrir coming into the picture, Thor has kind of taken a side step back. I was getting a bit of the new shiny thing syndrome. Thor and I need to renew our relationship, strengthen our bond. He is wanting an oath, but he also needs me to push aside my fears. The fears that I’ll end up being more of a god slave than godspouse. The he will demand my life, spiritual and mundane, become all about him and that I won’t have any freedom anymore. The fear that I won’t be able to choose anymore. In all of this, I have to make the decision on what will happen.

I promised Fenrir that once his candle comes in I will give him an answer. But, we have now made an agreement that if I agree to marriage, it won’t happen for awhile. Not until I get my relationship with Thor completely back on track. So, if I agree it’s going to be more like an engagement.

There is also a chance it may end up being a sort of three way wedding.

I have agreed to a blood oath with Thor. He has been in my life so long it kind of just seems like an about time situation (just like with my Profession). I will being doing this in the form of a tattoo. I have issues with hurting myself on purpose (Gods know I’ve done it plenty of time on accident), I just can’t get myself to do it. Even something as simple as pricking my finger.

So now, I need to start saving up for the tattoo and figure out exactly what I will get for Him. Any ideas would be much appreciated.

Today the boys are giving me a break, minus a quickly with Thor this morning. Freya is spending some time with me, helping me with this possible adjustment. Honestly, I’m incredibly nervous.

Until next time loves. Happy Freya day!

Things are Escalating

So things have escalated with Mr. Fenrir this past week.

Since Frey has been hanging around Fenrir has gotten rather territorial. I have to get on to him a bit about it sometimes. He is improving though.

I’m ordering a special made candle for him and I’m also working on my own project for him. I’m not telling what it is. I’ve ordered the materials, just have to wait for them to come in.

We spent a lot of time together over the weekend.

I learned that he likes older/classic rock. He really seems to like Zeppelin and The Who, as well as Journey.

After a bit of nooky time we both had a smoke and I was playing my iHeart radio Journey channel and it was nothing but love ballads. He just kind of sat there smiling, smoking his cigarette while I gave him the side eye.

That night I had a dream about a scene mentioned here. It’s about a spirit-worker that horsed Fenrir. They started out with him being chained up. In the dream I was there this happened. The moment Fenrir came through, he realized he was bound and instantly became savage. At the beginning I was kind of in the middle of the crowd surrounding the man. Once he went savage I quickly pushed my way to the front. To him. I was screaming at the ones that bound him, calling them monsters as they try to stop me from approaching the savage and bound man. I got close to him and he instantly stopped. He looked at me with such sorrow in his dark brown eyes. I went to him and held him, and he wept. Whimpering “why did they do this to me? What have I done to deserve this?” As he wept I slowly undid the chains.

I feel like this was Fenrir’s way of showing me how he feels about it.

For awhile now I’ve been getting the “I want to take things to the next level” feels from Fenrir. Previously I had made a point with Thor that I wasn’t interested in being a godspouse. Just didn’t feel like it was right for me as much as I love Thor (which by the way hasn’t changed at all). But Fenrir is much more interested in it and there have been hints about children, which that is a whole other story.

Our relationship is very different from the relationship I have with Thor. So taking things to the next level will not mean I loose Thor in any way shape or form and Fenrir is very much aware of this fact. That said, I’m starting to think I might actually be able to go that far with Fenrir.

Freya is giving the thumbs up on the whole thing too.

Updates as they come.

Happy Mani’s day. Until next time loves.

Progress

In my life I am always trying to progress further. For quite sometime I have been concentrating on further my knowledge of and relationship with Them.

Just got my new Mjolnir in the mail on Monday (been too busy to post a picture).

I’m so in love with necklace. I tend to spoil/spend the most money on Thor.

Since starting my relationship with my current boyfriend, my relationship with Thor has been a bit on the strained side, but my relationship with Freya and Mani has gotten stronger. I’ve also been actually developing a relationship with Fenrir. He has told me his goal with me is to turn me into an “Alpha Wolf”, not exactly something I was necessarily wanting to do but I’m not fighting it.  My initial reaction was “Well, these people already say I’m Alpha”, a half joking remark. He simply shook his head at me. Well then.

Last Wednesday he decided he wanted to get in bed with me and snuggle up, at this point I starting feeling a weird pressure in the middle of my forehead. Not sure what that was about.

But, currently working on mending my relationship with Thor, which hasn’t been that difficult.

Also has become an situation of having two mothers, Freya and Frigga. It’s almost like one for strength and one for compassion. And then there is Mani, the one that has taken a fatherly role for me, and alluding to it not being the first time in my life he has done this. So that is a whole other bag of worms.

And as I said in my last post, it’s research time for me. I’m gathering up as much information on The Wild Hunt as I possibly can. The time will be upon us before you know it (hopefully).

That’s about as much as far as updates on my devotion as I got for the moment.

My little brother just got claimed by Anubis (for an update on him) and I have been trying to help him out with his new path as much as possible. So now he has Bast and Anubis.

Also!

Just a reminder my email address is on the side there if you ever want to talk. Chit chat is cool, I am also open to giving advise when I can and I’m fairly good at interpreting dreams. Just throwing that out there.