The wolf and some presents

Here I am! The red has faded quite a bit, almost looking brown. Red is such a high maintenance hair color.
Here I am! The red has faded quite a bit, almost looking brown. Red is such a high maintenance hair color.

As promised, now you know what this wolf looks like. I really need to redo my hair. Not much to update on personal wise. Going to do a separate post on tattoos if I have enough time.

 I did get the sheets (already knew that due to peeping) but I also ended up getting bed set and new pillow with it. Exchanging the bed set today. It is white and black and Paris themed. I reluctantly told my parents (not wanting to offend them) that I didn’t like it. I almost never tell people when I don’t like the present they give me. When I give presents, I always put a lot of thought into them and try my best to get something that will be exciting to the person as well as something they can use. Presents, traditionally, are a sign of your companionship/kinship/relationship with someone. One sided gift giving (unless for someone like a child that does not have the capability to reciprocate) is thought of almost as an insult. It would be something that either they can practically use or has monetary value, something that could help them financially. One sided gift giving, outside of my family, is something that I have grown used to. I spent a great deal on Fen when we were still friends. That was part of the reason I no longer associate with him. He had promised me he was going to get me birthday presents (my birthday is in July, and I didn’t ask him for presents) and then when it was time to deliver he either backed out or came up with an excuse. It’s a perfect example of the one sided relationship. He was the Alpha wolf. He wanted admiration but was unwilling to give it back.

For me, the monetary value of the present is irrelevant. It is how much thought was actually put into it. I do tend to spend a lot on presents for other people, but I put more time into finding the right present than I do worrying about the price of it.

I’m meeting up with Shadow today to give her the presents I got for her. She already knows what I got her but the excitement is still there for her to see exactly what it is. I spend hours trying to find exactly what I wanted for her, something I knew she wanted.

I had given J his presents, and he absolutely loved them. He had gotten some for me but they were late. After the whole ordeal, I told him to get his money back for them. Those presents will mean more to me than they should and would to him. Outside of my family, only one previous boyfriend and Shadow have ever gotten me any presents. With that kind of treatment, anything from him would mean too much when it shouldn’t.

Most people don’t look at presents the same why I do. My feeling about them comes from my ancestors, for that is the way they looked at them. I don’t take it lightly.

Old Ways with a Twist

I know I’ve been talking a great deal about my personal life. Well here’s some more!

Been doing a lot of drinking and exercising over the past couple days. Awesome combination right? Skadi has been pushing me pretty hard to work out just about every day. I’m thankful for it, honestly. I’ve been feeling a lot better (though physically in paid because frankly I’m out of shape) and it’s been helping me clear my head and get in a better frame of mind. She was being a little sneaky yesterday and got me out in the cold. Yesterday it was in the 50’s temperature wise so when she pushed me to out I didn’t think much of it. Got out there it wasn’t too bad. About 10 minutes in, freezing wind hits me. She kept pushing me so I kept at it despite the cold.

Thor has been popping in again, not nearly as much as he used to. I’ve still kept him blocked out a bit, but not completely.

Freya has been coming in more too. I’m not exactly sure entirely what she’s wanting as of yet. The whole thing remains mysterious. As of right now, I think she is just trying to get me laid. It’s kind of funny. She’s been acting like some sort of hook up counselor. She’s trying to get me to open up more and has been getting me to contact a few of my guy friends that slipped under the radar during this whole ordeal with J.

Speaking of J, unfortunately I haven’t been able to boot him out of my life. I can’t be mad at the guy. He had no idea about my feelings for him and isn’t trying to hurt me. He is really insistent about being friends again. The more I’ve looked into the whole thing the more I’ve realized it wouldn’t work out. Yes, the friendship is there. We can spend a lot of time together and have a lot in common. Here’s the kicker. There is one key difference between a relationship and just friendship. Sexual attraction. Now he can’t say that he doesn’t have at least the slightest bit for me. I’ve caught him staring at my chest. He fits most of my type: facial hair, fairly muscular arms, taller than me. One key thing he’s missing: tattoos. Wouldn’t normally be a big deal except it isn’t that he just doesn’t want any, he’s afraid to get any. That says a lot about a guy to me, especially since I have one and plan on getting more (probably will do a post about this, one is hopefully going to be in the near future) and I have several piercings. Didn’t I mention before I want an equal? One big thing that is missing that would make things…well…unsatisfactory for me in the relationship. Lack of dominance. Through a conversation we were having when I was good and buzzed, I found out the poor guy is incredibly vanilla. I had taken it upon myself to explain to him exactly why he wouldn’t be able to handle a girl like me (again, I was buzzed). Or at least was going to attempt to explain. I got as far as asking him if he knew what a submissive was, and he asked if it was something about holding someone down, a move. Oh, the poor boy. Freya and I both got quite a bit of enjoyment out of that. Older than me but somehow so innocent. I have no interest in any of that. I’m not looking to teach any one. Kind of defeats the purpose. But, what can you expect from a Virgo (yes I’m one of those nut jobs that believes in astrology). I need passion, intensity, and frankly, I need it to be rough. I don’t like being treated like I’m fragile, if you thrust too hard I promise I won’t break. Poor J, truly is just vanilla. Very unfortunate. Not my problem.

Honestly, I’m kind of going back to my old ways. Chatting up Batty again. In real life I call him Batman. When we first met I kind of had a crush on him (anyone seeing a pattern here?) and I flirted with him quite a bit, awkwardly might I add. He’s super into Batman (something we have in common) and I don’t remember why, but he told me once he wished people would call him Batman. So, I started. I will talk about Batman as in the superhero so calling him Batty just works better. I called him that last night and he didn’t seem to mind. Don’t get any wrong ideas, we were just texting and I asked “What’s new Batty?” Batty has it all, physically. Facial hair, broad shoulders, attractive hands (I have a weird thing about masculine hands), tattoos, pretty nice arms, a little belly (yup I’m weird, I like guys with a little belly) and taller than me. We have hooked up before, sex was great. Relationship material though isn’t there. He isn’t a really long run kind of guy. He’s a good friend and good to have around while I’m figuring stuff out.

I thought about contacting Fen again, but I don’t want to deal with the broken promises and bullshit again. The in between was good but not good enough to really make it worth it.

Back to old ways with a sort of new twist. New perspective. New attitude about it all. Not exactly the same, but looks like it.

Sorry I haven’t posted much. Holidays, then before that work was insanely busy. I’m back though. Tomorrow I’ll post about tattoos and I might even let you guys see what I look like. How about that?

Just a little side note. I love comments. Bring them on. Even if it’s a differing view (that’s actually even better). Just don’t be a judgy asshole.

Much love!


Friends zone level – Wal-Mart coworker

The post I promised on my (nonexistent) love life.

There is a bit of a semi complicated situation going on at the moment. I’m basically in love with my friend J.

It all started when I started my job at Wal-Mart as a truck unloader. Not the easiest job in the world and for the first week I was always sore. It was mostly men and it was actually usually pretty fun.  J had been there for a while before I got there. That first day it was pretty much instant crush.

As time went on we actually ended up becoming friends, when I found out he was in a relationship (like I would even make a move anyway). He was the only person that was there for me when I found out the guy I had been seeing at the time started dating this other girl. That kind of thing means the world to me and will incite instant loyalty. He sat in my car with me during our smoke break, talked with me and even got me to laugh. This making the whole crush situation worse.

We ended up becoming super close, others that worked there would call him my work husband. This all before he inevitably left for a better job. This is where we lost contact.  The girl that he was dating was, let’s be honest, psycho. He wasn’t allowed to have any female friends. We couldn’t keep any contact because of this except the bare minimum through Facebook.

This is where things get a little interesting. That new job? He ended up working at the same place as mother. She knew my feelings for him and so she kind of kept me informed when it came to him. They actually ended up kind of becoming friends (everyone loves my mom) and so I still got to know most of what was going on.  Him and his girlfriend ended up getting married, apparently to everyone’s disapproval.

I believe about two months ago, he found out she was cheating on him. Unfortunately this was not a big shocker to anyone. She had a lot of guy friends (but he wasn’t allowed to have female friends?) and they would even spend the night at their home. Usually the ones that are the most paranoid about their mate cheating are either cheating or just have been cheated on a lot. Not to mention, apparently this isn’t the first time she had cheated on someone.

 Everything ended up coming out of the woodwork. She had a kid, was actually pregnant when they had gotten together. Keep this in mind, this child is not his. J bought her a car, took care of her and her child. He would get up early her days off to take care of the daughter. It basically came out that she was simply using him, wanting to have a father for her child. I can’t tell you how mad I was when he found all this out. I had an inkling, and I really truly hate it when I’m right in these kinds of situations.  I wasn’t furious just as someone who is in love with him, but as a friend that cares for him.

I found out about the cheating from my mother and them now getting a divorce. She passed my phone number to him for more support.

Now at this point, we hang out just about every weekend and constantly text. I’ve been getting a lot of mixed signals but I’m sure that this is a confusing time for him as well.

His daughter (technically hers but at the moment he gets her on weekends) absolutely loves me. His mom likes me. We have a lot in common.

Moral of the story? I’m waiting for him. I know with a divorce and having been together for as long as they have it will take him some time before he wants a relationship. I’ve cut off any male that is more than just friend or family. I’ll wait for him until he either chooses me (which obviously I won’t have to wait anymore) or he starts dating a new girl. If it ends up being the later I’ve already decided I’m going to leave, just silently disappear. Not out of spite or anything like that. Just because I don’t want to put myself through that kind of pain.

Until then I have plenty of time for him to see me as more than a friend.

If anyone is interested I will post developments as they happen.

If anyone has any advise, I am so all ears!