Do Not Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

-Mary Elizabeth Frye

The first time I hear this poem it was actually converted into a song that my younger brother’s choir was singing. It seriously gave me chills.

I do not fear death, it is an inevitability. Do I want to die right now? Of course not, I still have a lot to do but when my time comes, that’s it and I do not fear it.

I’ve already made plans for what I want done with my body after I die and I’ve made sure everyone I love knows this.

I’m sure those of you active on Facebook have seen these pictures or something like it:

Bios-Urn

That’s where I originally got the idea. I always knew I wanted to be cremated, no sense in adding another coffin to the earth, but this is genius.

I want to be turned into a weeping willow.

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To me they are the most beautiful trees, and they have a bit of a nostalgia factor. As a kid I spent quite a bit of time with grandparents at their apartment and at one part of the apartment complex there was a great big weeping willow. I was always fascinated by it.

Digging only slightly into Celtic tree meanings the Willow has strong associations to water and the moon, both of which my sign Cancer also has strong associations with so that was an interesting tidbit I found.

Any way, back on topic.

I’ve also made it perfectly clear to my loved ones that I don’t want any sort of funeral. I’ve also threatened to haunt anyone that cries. I don’t want the fact that I died to be the only thing they think about. I’d rather a celebration of the life I had, a party not a funeral.

I tend to look at it pretty subjectively. I still don’t really know what will happen to me after this life is over. Thor may claim me, Freya may claim me, I might end up wit Hel (because let’s face the facts, the chances of me dying in battle are pretty slim), I just might end up reincarnating again. All I can do is tell my loved ones what I want done with this body after I’m done with it. That is, after any parts useful are taken (organ donor). I’d like as much good to come out of my passing as possible.

Until next time loves.

Pleading with everyone

It’s not even Thanksgiving yet and I am already seeing Christmas type commercials. Hel, Best Buy started in even before Halloween.

I will probably make more posts similar to this one as Thanksgiving gets closer.

Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful and spending quality time with your family with some good food.

Not to fucking pile into a store so you can try to get a deal.

The commercialism of Christmas gets worse and worse every year. Black Friday was bad enough but it has now spilled into Thanksgiving.

I post this message as a former Wal-Mart employee.

Do not go shopping on Thanksgiving.

Because you felt it necessary to shop on Thanksgiving to try to find deals, stores like Wal-Mart are open and force ALL of their employees to work that day. They have to work because of you instead of spending time with their family.

Is it the business’s fault? Half of it yes. The other half goes to the shoppers who show up. If no one shows up they won’t do it anymore.

At Least Wait Until Black Friday So The Employees Can Spend Thanksgiving With Their Families Like You Should Be With Yours.

I would have thought this would have been a no fucking brainer but obviously not.

I will spreading this message around as much as I possibly can, and I do ask people who agree with this to do the same.

Ancestors – Holidays, Culture and Tradition

*disclaimer: I’m speaking from an American perspective

“Tradition is a guide and not a jailer.”
W. Somerset Maugham

I find in today’s society there is this sort of emptiness. Longing for meaning but finding none. Making everything meaningless, and something that can just be thrown away.

I came across this article.

Now to be frank, I’m not a fan. There is this sort of demeaning tone to that I’m not fond of, and I’m really not fond of the phrase “Cultural Appropriation”. It gets over used and not in the correct context. But it has a good point I want to touch on.

I’ve always had a fascination with Dia De Los Muertos, it’s always resonated with me and I absolutely adore Day of the Dead artwork especially sugar skulls. I haven’t really realized until recently why it resonated with me so much. I have no tradition in my own culture, in my own family that celebrates and remembers the dead. Or at least, not anymore. It has all been lost. It’s something that something deep inside of me, something ancient, yearns for. And I don’t think I’m the only one.

Personally, I don’t know anyone who has any kind of real family traditions. I’m talking ones with real meaning. I know mine certainly doesn’t. In the early stages of this country there wasn’t just “white people”, you had Irish people, Germans, Polish, etc. Somewhere along the way where we came from didn’t matter anymore and we all became just white. Now this could be arguably a good thing considering the persecution certain people would get like the Irish. Mixing isn’t a bad thing, but we lost our culture in the process.

Now people are starting to reach out for something, something with meaning. Now it’s become a bad thing to be white, people who try to take pride in their culture, their tradition are thought to be racist. But you can’t touch another’s culture or it becomes “Cultural Appropriation”.

We are told that our tradition doesn’t matter. We find some tradition that interests us because it speaks to us on a deep level, that same voice comes in saying it doesn’t matter so it gets treated accordingly.

This is part of why I think Ancestor Veneration is so important. I think we need to look into the traditions of our ancestors to really be able to find meaning. Once we find meaning in our own, we will be able to see the meaning in the traditions of others.

Now let me clarify, sharing is a good thing. I think cultures should be shared, mingled even. It brings more color to this life and will help us understand each other that much more clearly. But not mingling so much that it loses meaning. That is all just becomes one thing.

The ancient traditions, the holidays, were gutted so much in the name of converting people to Christianity that they lost all meaning. It started before the United States was even created. Industries have now taken advantage of this so much that we have the shell of holidays we have now like Christmas and Halloween. They are big business holidays now, times for them to get us to spend as much money as possible.

I believe traditions like Day of the Dead should be shared but in a clear way, in an educated way. I believe that is the problem the author was getting at, not the fact that white people are sharing in the tradition but that they are turning it into a shell. They are paying no attention to its origins or its true meaning.

I understand where she is coming from in this aspect and I believe we should fight along side her. To keep other cultures from disappearing and becoming one with this homogenous blob. To become a shell of its former self with no meaning.

 In this fight we should work to find our own in the blob and pull it out, dust it off and bring meaning to it once again. Not to hold it tight to ourselves in that it can only be ours, but that we can take it and show the world. Share it with others that we too have meaning.

You will find me call it Halloween instead of Samhain like most pagans do, and that is deliberate. Unless you intend to celebrate it with at least some of the traditional aspect, I don’t feel it right to call it by the traditional name. Actually it is a bit disrespectful in my eyes. So while I am limited (living in the bible belt with my Christian parents) I will continue to call it Halloween. That will change once I am able to celebrate it in a modernized fashion of the way my Ancestors who rightfully called it Samhain or Winter Nights did.  If you call it Samhain but still celebrate it exactly as others celebrate Halloween then you are now draining what little meaning Samhain has left in our times.

As far as Halloween itself isn’t all bad and in the family sense has a bit of its own tradition. Kids dressing as their favorite super hero, princess or idol going out with their parents in a night of fun and candy. If you look at it closely it is a sort of family tradition. Still very commercialized, but kids being able to be kids and have fun is never a bad thing.

I think this all came out just a little jumbled but I hope the point is clear.

Ancestors-Hel

No, not like the Christian hell.

Goddess-Hel
not how I see her but I do enjoy the sweetness of this picture

She is definitely one of the Goddesses that gets little attention, and when she does people tend to think of her as evil. Why? Because people think anything associated with death is evil, except Death is the absolute Neutral. Personally in pagan religions, I don’t really see “evil” as a thing (in reference to Gods, people can definitely be evil). There is light and dark. Both need to be worked with or there is no balance. But that’s getting off topic.

Hel (means Hidden in Old Norse), the Goddess of the dead, daughter of Loki and Angrboda, born in the Ironwood.

She is known as Hel, Hela, Halja, or (some say) Leikin (the name the Alfar call her, not sure on that one though). The Goddess to whom “all is seen”.

There isn’t much in the way of information about her in the lore. The most prominent story is that of her involvement in the story of Baldur’s death.

Following the death of Baldur, the goddess Frigga sends Hermóðr to offer Hel ransom. Hermóðr begs Hel to allow his brother to return home, because Baldur is so loved by the gods of the Æsir. Hel tells him only if all things in the world, alive or dead, weep for him, then he will be allowed to return to the Æsir. A female jotun refused so He stayed.

The prominence to this (though most only pay attention to the Loki part) is that even the Gods are not above Death.

She has the wolf Garm who resides in Gnipahellir, sometimes used interchangeably with Her brother Fenrir (which my belief is He doesn’t guard Helheim like Garm but does work with His sister), as one of the gaurds. The other being Modgud.

Garm is a new one to me. Most of what I see really equates him with Fenrir so I am pretty iffy about Him. They say to appease him you give him a piece of cake, but only after you have already given bread to the poor.

Modgud, called the Guardian Goddess, gaurds the bridge (Giallarbru) over the river Gjoll which leads to Helheim. Not finding much on Her so far.

I also see Hel as having a nature aspect. In modern times (especially for pagans) we have a romanticized view of nature. We see it as this sort of beautiful thing. Nature is beautiful, yes, but it is also dangerous, unfeeling and always renewing itself. I think of Hel having a nature aspect in the death of things to make room for the new. Animals die, rot in the earth to provide nutrients for new life. The forest fires that clear out the dead from the forest floor and enriches the soil for new growth. Death is a very important part of the cycle in Life. It is a necessity.

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I do not by any means think I am any kind of expert on the Lady of Death.  I don’t really even have a working relationship with Her at the moment. I’m doing what I always do. Research.

Why am I including Her in the Ancestor series? Because She is the one that cares for Them.

There is this romanticized notion in the Heathen community that we all want to go to Valhalla. That really isn’t realistic, especially in modern times. Our ancestors, before Christianization (which the Christian ancestors are a different story and will be touched on a later post) didn’t all die in battle and most likely didn’t get claimed by a certain God to take to Their hall. That leaves only Helheim, where Hel cares for them.

Here is a little information. This will probably be updated as I find out more, still in early stages of research. Keep in mind I didn’t create this list.

  • Colors: Black, white
  • Symbols: Skull, red roses, dried roses, bones, “Day of the Dead”-type skeleton images
  • Altar suggestions: Skulls, skeleton images, grave rubbings, skeletal hands, bones, dried roses, black shrouds, black mirror, black and white candles, plantain leaves, rue, wormwood, yarrow, yew, the runes Ear (sometimes combined with Raido for the Helroad) and Hagalaz, sometimes Othala. It is not uncommon for a Hel altar to be an ancestor harrow as well, with pictures of and offerings to one’s own beloved Dead.
  • Food and drink: Tea, good wine, apples (Hel has an orchard of Her own); meat, bread, soup, meals that your ancestors would have liked, blood; good quality chocolate, coffee beans. Hel likes dried, well-preserved flowers, especially dried roses. She also likes blood, as do all the Death deities. Some people offer her tea, or food that can sit on an altar and rot. (Don’t take it away until it is entirely desiccated, no matter what happens.) Don’t approach her altar with an unhealthy attitude toward death and decay.

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When I am finally able to set up my Ancestor Altar (money is the issue on buying stuff for it), Hel will definitely have a special place.

She will be touched on more as I go through this series, and I maybe even start up a relationship with Her.

I’ve met Her once. I see her as being half pale and half blue-black (think frostbite), the pale half having darker dirty blonde hair and the blue-black half with almost white hair. She is quite beautiful, but forces you to look at the not so beautiful aspects of Death right in the face.

If any of you have more information (or if anything you see here is inaccurate) please share.

Hail the Goddess of the Dead.

Until next time loves!

Ancestors- Beginning

“The songs of our ancestors are also the songs of our children”
Philip Carr-Gomm

Finally getting around to start my research on ancestor work. When it rains it pours around here.

I’m starting off by really looking into Ancestor Veneration in general in Heathen traditions.

Here is a nice post by the lovely Cara Freyasdaughter, she seems to be starting down the same path I am though I definitely don’t have the resources to travel to a country of my ancestors.

Much like with Cara, my family doesn’t pay much attention to culture identity or our history. My father’s side is a bit more interested (remember the book I had mentioned before with the Viking long ship on the cover) but not by too terribly much. I have no real family traditions that have been passed down, no recipes, nada. My sister’s (on my father’s side) passing mention of the family book got me researching Heathenry (and then a certain hammer busted the door down) which in turn got me more interested in looking at my own ancestors.

I’m working on digging into my family tree. I have a strong feeling it will take quite some time. While I’m doing that, I’ll be touching on what I already know (when I get the chance). I’ll start talking about actually doing ancestor work and well as discussing some of the history and symbols of my own heritage.

For the moment I will leave you with another thing to read. This is a bit more academic and focuses on the Disir.

Also keep this in mind. We are the future ancestors.

Until next time loves. Happy Thor’s day!

Ancestors – A little inspiration

So before everything started getting expensive and time consuming here, I was originally planning on starting to do some ancestor work (or at least attempt). I mean this is the perfect time to do it. Then I got distracted. A blog over yonder got me started on it again. I really like the Dyslexic Witch’s stuff. Go check her out.

Anywho.

Ancestor shrine! Duh.

A little background on me.

As I’ve mentioned before, my real life last name is Norris. Means “from the North”. Obviously a tie to my Norse heritage. From my father’s side it is mostly Welsh (which that traces back if you dig deep enough to Scandinavian ancestry) and Cherokee. Then on my mother’s side Cherokee, Irish and German.

There is a book that has completely disappeared (to my dismay) on my father’s side of the family (Norris). On the cover of it was a Viking long ship. I was able to get a few little tidbits from those who have seen the book. Apparently a whole branch of my family tree disappears in Salem (yea, that Salem), Sir Henry Norris (Charles Henry Norris is a big name in my family, the name of both my grandfather and my father) is an ancestor of mine. He was a friend of Anne Boleyn, and one of the ones accused of having an affair with her and was executed because of this. That is about all I got. Not sure how it all fits together which is rather frustrating.

And I know even less about my mother’s side of the family. Really only that my grandfather on my mother’s side was a full blood Cherokee.

So plan on using as many pictures of grandparents and such as I can find, and symbols of the origins of my family. Means research time for me!

If anyone has any suggestions on cheap ways (incredibly limited on money) I can find out more about both sides of my family will be much appreciated.

The plan is, to do a series on this. As y’all might have noticed already every time I attempt a series it goes in the crapper for one reason or another, so we shall see what happens.

Until next time loves!

News!

So I’ve been silent the last couple days because they had me training someone new at my work so been pretty busy, so here are updates.

First, I need to talk about the woman I have been training. She’s a heathen! I cannot tell you guess how excited I got when I saw her wearing a hammer. I had to control myself and not jump on it. I wanted to feel it out a bit and eased into talking about it. And yup, full blown heathen. See, the only other pagans around here (and they are few and far between already) are Wiccans, so to have found a real life heathen was amazing! To actually have someone in real life to talk to about my religion, though I’m keeping the more woo stuff on the down low for the moment.

And that’s not all. She is part of a kindred. There is more to that, just bare with me.

So on the 10th, I went with my best friend to the Saint Louis Pagan Pride. First of all, it was awesome in general being around other pagans. I’m usually the quiet shy person and my best friend is the more outgoing one. Not at Pagan Pride. I was talking up a storm with a bunch of people, and frankly I really surprised myself. It was a lot smaller than I thought it would be but it is still something fairly new so I suspect it will get bigger over time, but the people that were there were awesome.

Back track a bit. I was talking with my new heathen coworker about the event, asking if she was going. She said probably not but her kindred will be having a booth there.

When I got there, I got to the booth and talked to the Chieftain of the kindred and it was an instant click. That’s right folk, I got invited to be a part of a kindred! The first two events they invited me to sadly I won’t make (well one was last week, so didn’t make it) because I’m still recovering financially from the visit to the ER. The next one is on Halloween, which I already promised my best friend I’d be going to her party, and I keep my promises. I will definitely be at the next one and I am so excited and nervous all at the same time. They are a ways from me (at least an hour) but doing that every couple of months will be worth it. To finally be a part of the physical community. I did double check with my coworker to make sure she was okay with me joining, and she actually really wants me to. After I finally go to the first gathering, I’ll let you guys know how that goes.

Things are going very well with my boyfriend. This next part might be a little much on information for some (a tad sexual) so feel free to skip to the next paragraph. Sunday morning  I actually made the first move in bed. If you have been keeping up on this blog, you know it is kind of a big deal for me considering my history. This is the first time I have ever blatantly made the first move, usually I just hint. And to say the least the result was amazing. Hail Freya for her work with me, ha ha.

Now I have a bit of a problem. The man I formerly referred to as Fen. I will now be calling him The Leo (he’s a Leo). With my relationship with Fenrir now, I don’t really feel that nickname for him is appropriate anymore. Well, had a dream about him last night. A very not appropriate dream considering my current relationship status. It is rather infuriating. For some reason I just can’t get that man out of my life. He had his chance with me, and he decided going to orgy rituals were more important. I’m sorry but I’m a Wolf. We are territorial and I will not change that. I’ve kept him at more than arms length but he keeps popping up an it really pisses me off. I don’t even think about him and then I have a dream with him popping in it, and there is always affection between the two of us in my dreams. I just want it to stop. I’m happy in my current relationship and I don’t want to mess it up.

As far as my relationship with Thor goes, and that work, everything is well. I had to put off getting a tattoo and getting the bracelet for him unfortunately with my money situation. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get the tattoo now, especially with my older sister’s baby shower coming up and then the holidays. Probably will have to wait until next year which really sucks. Especially since now my car is needing new brakes and an oil change.

All in all, all is well here. A little stressful but not too bad. I have more stuff I want to discuss but that will be in a post all it’s own, which I will try to get in today.

If I don’t get the next one up today, until next time loves!

Let’s talk about boobs

Probably not in the way that you are wanting though.

Celebrating Frigga today (actually this was originally typed up on Friday but I couldn’t finish it, so pretend I posted it yesterday), so I decided to talk about a mommy issue (since she is the All Mother after all!)

So today we shall talk about what those boobs are actually supposed to be for, feeding babies!

Breastfeeding is becoming a sort of trend now. The sign of the new age mother that is more “natural”. As trends go, this is definitely a good one. At this point most people know the health benefits of breastfeeding as apposed to formula for both the mother and baby. So why is there so much controversy surrounding it. Let’s discuss!

2000px-Breastfeeding-icon-med_svg - Copy

I came across this particular sign posted on the doors of a local Michaels, and also saw one on Target’s doors. It is a sign signifying that the establishment supports breastfeeding, even in public.

Here’s the thing. That really shouldn’t be necessary.

Breastfeeding is one of the most natural things a woman can do. That is how babies have been fed since the beginning of time. Saying you support breastfeeding is like saying you support feeding babies. Kind of redundant isn’t it? So if you replace “breastfeeding” with “feeding a baby” in the argument about breastfeeding in public it becomes an argument about feeding a baby in public.

First, lets take a little look at the law.

According to NCSL (National Conference of State Legislatures) 49 states, the District of Columbia, and the Virgin Islands have laws that specifically allow women to breastfeed in any public or private location (meaning privately owned businesses). So all of them but one, Idaho.

29 states, District of Columbia, and the Virgin Islands exempt breastfeeding from public indecency laws.

That’s where it doesn’t make much sense to me. So in the other 20 states that don’t have that exemption, you can breastfeed in public but get in trouble for public indecency?

Now lets get to the arguments against breastfeeding in public.

I came across this little nugget here. These are where I will start here and add some more.

The first one is that breastfeeding in public is indecent.

Yea, no.

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Most of the time that is about all you will see. I’ve seen women walk around in shirts that show way more than that but are still not considered “indecent”.

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Hel, this shows more boob and was on national television.

Here’s the thing, breasts are not indecent, despite what modern society wants to tell you. The argument is that they are “sexual organs” so they should be covered. Umm, no they aren’t. Let’s take a look at the anatomy of a breast. Anatomy-of-Breast11 - Copy

And here shows for more breastfeeding specific (and layman’s terms):

breastfeeding_anatomy

Nothing sexual about that, has nothing to do with actually creating life, they are mostly sacks of fat on our chest (that is when they aren’t actually in use). The only reason they get involved in sexual play is because of those lovely nerve endings (and boy are those nerve endings fun). The attraction to women with a larger chest is a natural thing. Bigger the breast our animalistic selves think better to feed baby with, also triggers the more fertile thought process as well, now that doesn’t mean our smaller chested friends can’t breastfeed or breastfeed as well or aren’t as fertile (like I said animalistic thinking so not based in fact). The sexualization however is a newer construct of modern society. Ever wonder why in those pictures of third world countries in Africa the women are topless?

The second reason given here really pissed me off. The public breastfeeding is dangerous.

Really? This goes based off the messed up ideology that if a man sees a boob he will completely lose his control (and sanity) and attack. Okay, that may be over dramatizing it a bit but seriously I am sick of people excusing deplorable actions by lowering men to the level of sex crazed animals. Last time I checked decent human beings have control over their sexual urges, especially in the completely nonsexual context that breastfeeding is in. And I love the “asking” for harassment. Umm no, she is feeding her child. The victim blaming is strong here. But to me this seems to be a ridiculous argument. I have not once heard of a woman getting sexually harassed or assaulted because a guy saw her breastfeeding.

The awkward social interactions thing is so dumb. Once it becomes more publically acceptable (meaning women don’t have to even worry about having this dumb debate in the first place) it will be as normal as a woman bottle feeding. It’s only awkward if you make it. I don’t understand the ‘children may ask seemingly inappropriate questions about what the mother is doing” part. The woman breastfeeding is a mother and will already understand why children ask the questions they do. And finally the “the baby may make loud sucking noises that can make others uncomfortable” part. Are you a child? You can’t handle a sucking sound? Newsflash, that is how they get their nutrition, sucking, whether on a bottle or on Mommy’s nature given bottle.

Lastly, the argument that “the act of breastfeeding is physically and emotionally intimate and, therefore, should not be done in public”. Again, just stupid. So no one should kiss, hold hands, stare into each other’s eyes, hug or anything else that could be deemed “physically and emotionally intimate” in public.

My all time favorite argument (by men) is that it’s illegal for men to whip their dick out in public so it should be for a woman to breastfeed because she is “whipping out her boob”. There is just so much umm no in that argument. First, huge difference between a penis and a boob. A penis is a sexual organ, and once again, breasts are not. You don’t feed a baby with your dick (at least I pray to the Gods you don’t, if you do please kindly turn yourself in or just off yourself). As for the whipping out the boob part, refer to the above picture. Women who breastfeed have the sense to wear clothes where her breast is very readily accessible to the baby (because you try to hold a not happy hungry baby and try to work complicated clothing), and will hold the baby in place before moving any kind of clothing out of the way. So the chances of you actually seeing breast is very minimal and only if you are really watching for it.

Trying to tell a woman that she shouldn’t breastfeed in public really is telling a woman if she wants to breastfeed she has to stay home all the time, and that really isn’t right and completely unrealistic. She can’t wait until she gets home to feed her baby, because that baby will be hungry when he or she gets hungry, they don’t stick to their mom’s

Breasts are used in advertisements all the time, so the fact that people are so disturbed when a woman actually uses them for what they were intended for is just ridiculous.

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Here is a link to some tips for mother’s that aren’t that confident in breastfeeding in public but want to be.

Here is a link for some responses to people directly arguing with it ( that is I you want to be nicer than what I would be).

When it comes down to it  the law is on your side on this, unless you live in Idaho.

A little disclaimer here: I have nothing against women who choose to not breastfeed. That is your body. As a matter of fact, I do have a problem with people shaming a woman for making that choice.

Until next time my loves!

On the Verge

I’m on the verge of losing my mind.

Warning: This is going to be a rant about my personal life, will most likely involve adult words. Skip if you wish.

 So my sister’s birthday is coming up. Referring to my older sister that is pregnant. She had posted on Facebook something about thanking people ( I was tagged in this) for the baby shower stuff. Mind you the baby shower isn’t until November. So I commented asking her what she was wanting to do for her birthday.

Her answer was wanting my mom, her and I to all get a pedicure together, go out to eat as a family and have game night.

Keep in mind, I currently have $400 ER bill from last Wednesday, and I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Whatever they are going to need to do is going to cost money. I am effectively broke for the first time in a long time. I can’t fucking afford pedicures. Not even for just myself. So I told her this. Her reaction? “Don’t worry about it then.”

Are you fucking kidding me.

The one time I’m broke and she wants the fucking moon and pouts when I tell her I can’t afford it.

This is my sister. This is the way she has always been. She wants the world to revolve around her and if someone goes against it she throws a fit. Now that she is pregnant it is a hundred times worse. She may pull that shit with everyone else, but with me, that shit doesn’t fly. I told my mom this morning if she wants to act like that I won’t be involved in her birthday at all. I don’t have the energy to deal with this shit right now.

My sister is one of those people everyone tends to like (she’s a Libra if that helps at all), that is until they see how she treats people (especially me).

To give an example of another incident.

For my best friend’s birthday I asked my sister if she could take us to down town St. Charles. At the time I didn’t how to get there and I wanted my BF to see the metaphysical shop and the Celtic store they have there. I told her I’d help with gas and buy us dinner. The deal was just her, me and my BF. This was when her fiancé was a truck driver and gone most of the time. Well, it turned out that he was coming home early. I told my sister he could go but I could not afford to pay for his dinner too. She agreed to this. So we all go on the trip, everything goes fine until we leave and head out to eat. This was my best friend’s birthday. I wanted to go to a semi nice place. The second we leave my sister starts begging me to pay for him to eat too, even after I told her specifically I couldn’t. Kept saying “well if we go to a cheaper place you can”. That was when my BF decided she didn’t like my sister anymore.

That is just an example of a multitude of incidents where she has tried to get me to pay for something or for her, even if I tell her I can’t afford it, and then try to make me feel guilty about it. Or wanted me to take her somewhere or go somewhere when I couldn’t of frankly didn’t want to. She throws a fit and doesn’t talk to me for awhile. She waits to see if I’ll beg her for forgiveness (most of her friends do) and once she realizes I won’t, she comes back and acts like nothing happened.

Our own mother has even noticed this pattern and gets concerned if we spend too much time together.

Since her being pregnant I have put up with a lot more of her bullshit than I normally would but that is stopping right now.

I’m trying, I really am. Family is a big deal to me, especially now that I have a niece on the way. But I will not sacrifice my sanity for the sake of family.

That is all.

October is approaching

Just a little side note first.

I might be a little on the inactive side. Fenrir is requesting I keep some of the relationship work private (understandably so). I will try to post when something starts itching and needs to be shared. But as far as my relationships with Thor and Fenrir, I’m going to be very selective in what I share. Just working on the relationships and with the way things are going right now it is a bit on the sensitive side. Thor has been pretty rare in appearances as of late, working, so that is making things just a tad more difficult (I’m not complaining, its just a fact.)

In other news, I’m starting to feel Skadi touching at the edge of my senses.

I think she is coming back! Seems The Hunt starting so early is bring her around a lot earlier as well.

Any way, now on topic.

October is definitely my favorite month.

First of all, autumn. All things Halloween-y. And just the feel in the air is like pot to me (not crack because it is incredibly relaxing). Fenrir is showing me he has some pretty strong ties to fall as well.

I’m a lot more active spiritually, physically and emotionally during fall. Summer heat drains me to where I’m barely functional. I hide inside in the AC (plus I burn incredibly easily) and just watch TV mostly. During fall I actually go out and do shit and it really lifts my spirit. Not to mention it means the holidays are on their way and I love the holiday season. Just has a warm fuzzy feel to it that I can’t get enough of. My boyfriend tried saying he was a scrooge.  I made sure he knew that wasn’t going to fly with me. I pulled the “you’re going to be happy about the holidays whether you want to or not, and you’re gonna like it!” He doesn’t seem to be too upset about it. I’m getting this Christmas sweater I found. On it it says “Fa la la la la, Valhalla la” with a shield, axe and sword on it. I showed it to him and he wanted one too. I joked about having matching sweaters and he even actually agreed to taking a picture with me of us both wearing it (he hates taking pictures) so I think he is okay with it all.

I’m starting to make plans for October.

I’m going to Pagan Pride in the city. Super excited about that. Going with my best friend and this is the first time either of us has gone. I don’t know what to expect but it will be nice being surrounded by other pagans.

Planning some trips to the local graveyards. I’m going to be ordering soon some crystals for offerings to the spirits. Not so excited about going to visit my grandmother’s grave. I haven’t gone in a long time, and I know it will be emotion filled. She died on my ninth birthday, with me being mad  Freya is pushing for me to bring my boyfriend with me for that reason. What he sees of my is about 70% independent woman who has been single forever and very much prefers to take care of things herself, and about 30% giant dorky goofball (I am the master of weird faces). She insists that he needs to see a much more vulnerable side of me. Not looking forward to that. Not so good at showing my vulnerable side. I’m a Cancer, I hide in my shell when I’m vulnerable.

I’m going to go out and spend as much time as possible outside before it gets too cold.

I’m going to try working getting my tattoo somewhere in there, or at least in November. It is more of a money issue, plus not sure where I’m going to go. Probably going to try the artist that did my best friend’s tat. Also still trying to figure out exactly what it is going to be.

That got a bit rambly.

Until next time loves.

Happy Thor’s day!