Stasis

So I didn’t get to go to the Yule celebration with the kindred because I ended up getting super sick. I spent that day and the day after in my PJs wrapped in a blanket and going between watching TV and sleeping. It was not so fun and I was super bummed about it.

But that isn’t what this post is about.

For quite sometime I haven’t been all that happy with my relationship with my boyfriend and I couldn’t figure out why.

I figured that it was the fact that he works at Taco Bell, doesn’t have a car or driver’s license and to be completely honest the sex isn’t all the great, plus the maturity level isn’t quite there. You get tired of paying for everything after awhile. I have been almost broke basically since we got together. Don’t get me wrong, I am not looking for someone to support me or pay for everything but I simply cannot take care of another person. I can’t afford it.

I’ve consulted the cards a couple times and each time I basically get that he is holding me back. I’m inclined to agree with them.

It wasn’t until last night when I realized that all those things are simply symptoms of the bigger problem.

He doesn’t try to push forward, to get better, to evolve. He is stuck and he isn’t trying in the slightest to get unstuck.

I’m always trying to get better. I do research and try to learn as much as I can. I’ve changed my diet and I’m working out. I’m now the official trainer at my job and the last trainer was just promoted to supervisor. I don’t have social anxiety like I use to, not even close. I’ve driven out of state by myself (something I was deathly afraid of) and I did just fine. Only freaked out once and it was because of bad drivers. I do have a lot of it to thank Them for.

I’m of the belief that if someone hasn’t talked to you for a year they shouldn’t really know you anymore. You should always try to work toward getting better.

I have decided I’m going to talk to him about it after the new year. He already knows I’m unhappy, I just couldn’t put my finger on why before. I wanted to wait until after the holidays. I will then give him time. It will either light a fire under his butt or we will break up. I will not be stuck in stasis and I can’t support us both.

I will let you guys know what happens. I’m not so great and saying my feelings out loud.

Happiest of Holidays to you all.

 

Advertisements

News!

So I’ve been silent the last couple days because they had me training someone new at my work so been pretty busy, so here are updates.

First, I need to talk about the woman I have been training. She’s a heathen! I cannot tell you guess how excited I got when I saw her wearing a hammer. I had to control myself and not jump on it. I wanted to feel it out a bit and eased into talking about it. And yup, full blown heathen. See, the only other pagans around here (and they are few and far between already) are Wiccans, so to have found a real life heathen was amazing! To actually have someone in real life to talk to about my religion, though I’m keeping the more woo stuff on the down low for the moment.

And that’s not all. She is part of a kindred. There is more to that, just bare with me.

So on the 10th, I went with my best friend to the Saint Louis Pagan Pride. First of all, it was awesome in general being around other pagans. I’m usually the quiet shy person and my best friend is the more outgoing one. Not at Pagan Pride. I was talking up a storm with a bunch of people, and frankly I really surprised myself. It was a lot smaller than I thought it would be but it is still something fairly new so I suspect it will get bigger over time, but the people that were there were awesome.

Back track a bit. I was talking with my new heathen coworker about the event, asking if she was going. She said probably not but her kindred will be having a booth there.

When I got there, I got to the booth and talked to the Chieftain of the kindred and it was an instant click. That’s right folk, I got invited to be a part of a kindred! The first two events they invited me to sadly I won’t make (well one was last week, so didn’t make it) because I’m still recovering financially from the visit to the ER. The next one is on Halloween, which I already promised my best friend I’d be going to her party, and I keep my promises. I will definitely be at the next one and I am so excited and nervous all at the same time. They are a ways from me (at least an hour) but doing that every couple of months will be worth it. To finally be a part of the physical community. I did double check with my coworker to make sure she was okay with me joining, and she actually really wants me to. After I finally go to the first gathering, I’ll let you guys know how that goes.

Things are going very well with my boyfriend. This next part might be a little much on information for some (a tad sexual) so feel free to skip to the next paragraph. Sunday morning  I actually made the first move in bed. If you have been keeping up on this blog, you know it is kind of a big deal for me considering my history. This is the first time I have ever blatantly made the first move, usually I just hint. And to say the least the result was amazing. Hail Freya for her work with me, ha ha.

Now I have a bit of a problem. The man I formerly referred to as Fen. I will now be calling him The Leo (he’s a Leo). With my relationship with Fenrir now, I don’t really feel that nickname for him is appropriate anymore. Well, had a dream about him last night. A very not appropriate dream considering my current relationship status. It is rather infuriating. For some reason I just can’t get that man out of my life. He had his chance with me, and he decided going to orgy rituals were more important. I’m sorry but I’m a Wolf. We are territorial and I will not change that. I’ve kept him at more than arms length but he keeps popping up an it really pisses me off. I don’t even think about him and then I have a dream with him popping in it, and there is always affection between the two of us in my dreams. I just want it to stop. I’m happy in my current relationship and I don’t want to mess it up.

As far as my relationship with Thor goes, and that work, everything is well. I had to put off getting a tattoo and getting the bracelet for him unfortunately with my money situation. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get the tattoo now, especially with my older sister’s baby shower coming up and then the holidays. Probably will have to wait until next year which really sucks. Especially since now my car is needing new brakes and an oil change.

All in all, all is well here. A little stressful but not too bad. I have more stuff I want to discuss but that will be in a post all it’s own, which I will try to get in today.

If I don’t get the next one up today, until next time loves!

On the Verge

I’m on the verge of losing my mind.

Warning: This is going to be a rant about my personal life, will most likely involve adult words. Skip if you wish.

 So my sister’s birthday is coming up. Referring to my older sister that is pregnant. She had posted on Facebook something about thanking people ( I was tagged in this) for the baby shower stuff. Mind you the baby shower isn’t until November. So I commented asking her what she was wanting to do for her birthday.

Her answer was wanting my mom, her and I to all get a pedicure together, go out to eat as a family and have game night.

Keep in mind, I currently have $400 ER bill from last Wednesday, and I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Whatever they are going to need to do is going to cost money. I am effectively broke for the first time in a long time. I can’t fucking afford pedicures. Not even for just myself. So I told her this. Her reaction? “Don’t worry about it then.”

Are you fucking kidding me.

The one time I’m broke and she wants the fucking moon and pouts when I tell her I can’t afford it.

This is my sister. This is the way she has always been. She wants the world to revolve around her and if someone goes against it she throws a fit. Now that she is pregnant it is a hundred times worse. She may pull that shit with everyone else, but with me, that shit doesn’t fly. I told my mom this morning if she wants to act like that I won’t be involved in her birthday at all. I don’t have the energy to deal with this shit right now.

My sister is one of those people everyone tends to like (she’s a Libra if that helps at all), that is until they see how she treats people (especially me).

To give an example of another incident.

For my best friend’s birthday I asked my sister if she could take us to down town St. Charles. At the time I didn’t how to get there and I wanted my BF to see the metaphysical shop and the Celtic store they have there. I told her I’d help with gas and buy us dinner. The deal was just her, me and my BF. This was when her fiancé was a truck driver and gone most of the time. Well, it turned out that he was coming home early. I told my sister he could go but I could not afford to pay for his dinner too. She agreed to this. So we all go on the trip, everything goes fine until we leave and head out to eat. This was my best friend’s birthday. I wanted to go to a semi nice place. The second we leave my sister starts begging me to pay for him to eat too, even after I told her specifically I couldn’t. Kept saying “well if we go to a cheaper place you can”. That was when my BF decided she didn’t like my sister anymore.

That is just an example of a multitude of incidents where she has tried to get me to pay for something or for her, even if I tell her I can’t afford it, and then try to make me feel guilty about it. Or wanted me to take her somewhere or go somewhere when I couldn’t of frankly didn’t want to. She throws a fit and doesn’t talk to me for awhile. She waits to see if I’ll beg her for forgiveness (most of her friends do) and once she realizes I won’t, she comes back and acts like nothing happened.

Our own mother has even noticed this pattern and gets concerned if we spend too much time together.

Since her being pregnant I have put up with a lot more of her bullshit than I normally would but that is stopping right now.

I’m trying, I really am. Family is a big deal to me, especially now that I have a niece on the way. But I will not sacrifice my sanity for the sake of family.

That is all.

Oh so much fun!

So yesterday I spent the morning in the ER.

Apparently I have an infection in my gums.

The severe pain really started on Tuesday at work (which I barely made it through). I’ll tell you, I have a rather high pain tolerance but when it comes to tooth pains I turn into a giant baby. And that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

I got home (on Tuesday), held a warm rag to my face and took a nap. After that I felt better so I ignored it. This is my usual reaction to tooth pain. I whine, it goes away after a bit and I think nothing more about it. Fenrir came in and told me that I needed this pain, that it was good for me. Again, tooth pain turns me into a baby, so I got super pissed.

Yesterday morning, I got up and started to get ready for work. After brushing my teeth the pain started slowly coming back and then suddenly hit me with full force. I’m not too proud to admit I was crying my eyes out. So my mom took me to the ER. Frigga held my hand while I was waiting for the doctor. Got my diagnosis and was given Vicodin, that was interesting. Went to Walgreens to pick up my pills when it really hit while I was looking at Halloween stuff.

When I got home I got into another argument with Fenrir about the situation. He doesn’t really want me to get into details here. The gist is I’m too stubborn for anything but pain (and with my high pain tolerance it has to be severe pain) to make me face my fears about going to the dentist. The last time I went to the dentist when I was a kid and they poked at my gums so much I bled. I wasn’t happy. Now as an adult I know they will need to remove at least two to three teeth so I have been avoiding it like the plague.  After everything was said and done I realized he was right. I laid down in bed on my side and got a cold nose in my back. He was in his wolf form looking incredibly adorable for the giant black wolf he is. I sighed and let him get in bed with me.

I’m still not all that happy with Him, but I understand His side so I can’t really stay mad.

Sometimes breaking the bindings of the fear that holds you back is literally painful.

Almost cried when Thor came in today. I’ve missed him so much. You know that old saying “distance makes the heart grow fonder”.

He has been busy as of late and gone most of the time, but on Thursdays He is always here with me. It’s part of the agreement. He held me for a while, apparently Frigga told Him everything that happened. He is keeping completely out of what is going on with me and Fenrir. He has been babying me quite a bit today.

To say the least, making a dentist appointment for next week. Yay.

On Tuesday I was planning on starting to do a series on the relationships I have with Them and how they have progressed. I might still start that up. Depends on how I feel to be honest.

Until next time loves.

Happy Thor’s day!

October is approaching

Just a little side note first.

I might be a little on the inactive side. Fenrir is requesting I keep some of the relationship work private (understandably so). I will try to post when something starts itching and needs to be shared. But as far as my relationships with Thor and Fenrir, I’m going to be very selective in what I share. Just working on the relationships and with the way things are going right now it is a bit on the sensitive side. Thor has been pretty rare in appearances as of late, working, so that is making things just a tad more difficult (I’m not complaining, its just a fact.)

In other news, I’m starting to feel Skadi touching at the edge of my senses.

I think she is coming back! Seems The Hunt starting so early is bring her around a lot earlier as well.

Any way, now on topic.

October is definitely my favorite month.

First of all, autumn. All things Halloween-y. And just the feel in the air is like pot to me (not crack because it is incredibly relaxing). Fenrir is showing me he has some pretty strong ties to fall as well.

I’m a lot more active spiritually, physically and emotionally during fall. Summer heat drains me to where I’m barely functional. I hide inside in the AC (plus I burn incredibly easily) and just watch TV mostly. During fall I actually go out and do shit and it really lifts my spirit. Not to mention it means the holidays are on their way and I love the holiday season. Just has a warm fuzzy feel to it that I can’t get enough of. My boyfriend tried saying he was a scrooge.  I made sure he knew that wasn’t going to fly with me. I pulled the “you’re going to be happy about the holidays whether you want to or not, and you’re gonna like it!” He doesn’t seem to be too upset about it. I’m getting this Christmas sweater I found. On it it says “Fa la la la la, Valhalla la” with a shield, axe and sword on it. I showed it to him and he wanted one too. I joked about having matching sweaters and he even actually agreed to taking a picture with me of us both wearing it (he hates taking pictures) so I think he is okay with it all.

I’m starting to make plans for October.

I’m going to Pagan Pride in the city. Super excited about that. Going with my best friend and this is the first time either of us has gone. I don’t know what to expect but it will be nice being surrounded by other pagans.

Planning some trips to the local graveyards. I’m going to be ordering soon some crystals for offerings to the spirits. Not so excited about going to visit my grandmother’s grave. I haven’t gone in a long time, and I know it will be emotion filled. She died on my ninth birthday, with me being mad  Freya is pushing for me to bring my boyfriend with me for that reason. What he sees of my is about 70% independent woman who has been single forever and very much prefers to take care of things herself, and about 30% giant dorky goofball (I am the master of weird faces). She insists that he needs to see a much more vulnerable side of me. Not looking forward to that. Not so good at showing my vulnerable side. I’m a Cancer, I hide in my shell when I’m vulnerable.

I’m going to go out and spend as much time as possible outside before it gets too cold.

I’m going to try working getting my tattoo somewhere in there, or at least in November. It is more of a money issue, plus not sure where I’m going to go. Probably going to try the artist that did my best friend’s tat. Also still trying to figure out exactly what it is going to be.

That got a bit rambly.

Until next time loves.

Happy Thor’s day!

Family isn’t always right

This has a slight connection to this post (only slight).

So in the Heathen/Asatru faith, it is very family centric traditionally. It makes a lot of sense if you look in the context of the times of our ancestors. You family was the most important thing. Period. Family, and sometimes your land/crops and livestock was really all you had. You needed children to pass down your possessions and your name down to, more specifically to sons. The daughter was mostly a tool, a way usually to bring some sort of wealth to the family, or to tie families together. Not pretty, but thems the ropes. Now the Norse were a bit more progressive in the way that women could inherit land and could get a divorce from an abusive or even cheating husband. But family was top priority. That need to reproduce and continue your line. The land, crops and livestock? Well that was to sustain your family and yourself. Family was top.

Now jump forward to modern followers of the Northern Path.

We are attempting to place that same though process to modern families. Doesn’t exactly work.

For those of us that are younger and don’t have a family of our own? Most of our families are Christian, or at least don’t follow the same path and will definitely not understand it. To the point where we can’t even talk to our family about our beliefs, experiences, or practices. And when we do, the reactions tend not to be ideal. In my own situation my parents don’t know my actual path but believe that I’m pagan, and they have been on a crusade ever since they kind of figured this out.

For those of us with families? Because our numbers are still small compared to the larger population or even just of the population of what I’ll just call non-pagans. A lot of us marry someone who doesn’t share our beliefs, and doesn’t want us to “push” them on the children. So that doesn’t work out for the best either.

We live in very self absorbed, selfish times. Most people don’t know their neighbors and don’t care to. We care about ourselves and how we can get further in life. I’m not saying parents don’t take care of their kids. Of course (lets be honest, most) they do, but it isn’t the same. I know in my family, the kids sit in the living room watching TV while the parents are in their bedroom watching TV. There is no family time, except on the rare occasion that we have dinner together.

There is also the people who don’t want kids. Which I find perfectly acceptable. We are over populated.

Some of us have to deal with a family that treats us like shit. Why? It all boils down to being self absorbed.

Family isn’t what it used to be, and frankly it’s really sad.

I can’t get my family to change, but when I have kids of my own I plan on ending the cycle with them. Why shall I begin. My niece that is on the way. I won’t instill my religious beliefs in her, but hopefully I can instill my views on what family should be in her.

You have to start some where, and sometimes there is no hope for some people.

You don’t have to deal with bullshit  from someone because you share blood.

You have ever right to cut toxic people out of your life. Family or not, anyone can be toxic.

Don’t feel that you owe them anything, because you don’t.

And that really applies to everyone, not just those that are Heathen/North pagans or what have you.

Just remember, they decided to treat you that way. So the consequences are fully on them.

I bitch about my sister, but she isn’t all bad all the time. She doesn’t really treat me like shit either. She uses me sometimes but that is on me for letting her do so for so long. I have put my foot down now though.

Man, I’m really bad about bouncing around.

Any who

Until next time loves.

If you’re going to do it, do it

If you can’t tell by the title, this one is going to be a rant so feel free to ignore this.

What inspired this? My older sister.

My sister can’t ever make up her mind what she is doing and what she believes and it is frustrating to all fucking Helheim.

 She comes to me sometimes with questions. Questions about pagan religions in general as well as my own. These questions I really don’t mind and answer honestly as long as I know the answer. That stuff doesn’t bother me.

Little turn now, but I promise it is related.

She is pregnant with her first child. She is going to have a girl. Her name is something my sister got from me. It was the name of a character I was writing a story around (though said character was a dominant lesbian, but she doesn’t know that. that character was pretty awesome). She doesn’t really like admitting she got that name from me, which pisses me off. She saw the name of the character and even told me she liked it and will use it! But I digress.

This child is going to be the first of the grandchildren and actually the first of the great grandchildren now that I think about it. She is going to be spoiled, and I am most certainly not helping.

Now here is how that is related.

My sister has been asking me about getting my future niece Viking/Norse stuff. This is the same sister that is constantly on Facebook talking about “please pray for me” for blah blah blah reason. The same sister that told my younger brother (Kemetic) that his religion has caused a lot of pain. Really?

You really don’t get to pick and choose your shit.

My younger brother, when he first started getting into Wicca (he is Kemetic now, I swear Wicca is the pagan gateway religion) he talked about doing Christian Wicca.

Yea, no.

Here is the deal. Getting involved with Gods from different religions, I totally understand (I don’t personally do it but it’s more of a I haven’t connected to any other pantheons thing). That said the beliefs in Christianity are very strictly against worshiping any other Gods. Period. No if ands or buts about it. You can’t mix Christianity with any other religions. Like being a Christian witch. Yea, Christianity is also very strictly against witchcraft as well, so no on that too.

Here is where my point lies. You really can’t jump back and forth at your convenience. You really have to choose one or the other, or your really not doing either.

This really applies to just about everything worth doing. You either do it or don’t. Or you end up being a flaky little shit who is not doing anyone any good, including yourself.

Commit yourself.

Be passionate about it.

Just do it.

That is really the only way you will be able to get anywhere with it. The only way you can grow in your beliefs, or grow as a person.

Jumping back and forth will really just put you in a stalemate where you will never progress.

This ended up being kind of all over the place and rambly.

In other news I will attempt to do my post about Frey today. Depends if it gets too busy or not.

Either way, until next time my loves!

My New Stuff

Here is some of the new stuff I got as promised.

wpid-wp-1440530566763.jpeg

10 points to who can guess where this ring is from.

Guess it yet?

It’s Galadriel’s ring from Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit. From the side it kind of looks like a cupcake not going to lie.

See a part of my nail polish collection? I have way more than I need.

wpid-wp-1440530581309.jpeg

My new drinking horn! I bought it off Fen at the Mead Day thing I went to. I’m still waiting for him to bring me my home brewed Strawberry Mead that unreliable bastard. In the background you can see my Freya candle (the front one, second from the top) from Beth. The scent is pure essential oils of amber, rosa damascena, and chocolate (similar to scent she uses for the perfume which I also have) and let me tell you it smells absolutely delicious! Plus the wood wicks are awesome. The candle closer to the back (the brighter one) is also from Beth but obviously not one she sells anymore. I’ve had it for quite sometime. It actually just stopped lighting for me today, so I’m buying a new one for him.

wpid-wp-1440617069901.jpeg

And my new stuff for momma Frigga. Obviously, also from Beth. This candle is scented with lavender, vanilla, and sweet birch. It’s kind of a cozy but sweet smell, pretty perfect for her I think.

wpid-wp-1440530573428.jpeg

I noticed while it was burning that the little sparkles on the candle were creating a rainbow. It was really pretty. I didn’t quite catch it though. Bummer.

Any who, the thing wrapped around the candle is my Frigga prayer beads from, you guessed it, Beth!

So somehow this post became an advertisement for Beth. Maybe I should start charging for this.

I kid I kid, I joke I joke.

If any of you remember the pictures of my sacred space before (what I call my non alter) there was a different cloth under. I just bought the new one. Trees. It was actually with Halloween stuff, but Halloween time is when I buy my regular décor. But I liked the trees and I thought it could be a way (for now) to incorporate Yggdrasil into the space. I’m running on a budget and I also can’t be too obvious with my stuff until I move out (living in a very Christian household does that).

I’ve ordered a Frey candle from Beth (still advertising) as well so just waiting on that since they are made to order. I will post on him becoming a part of my life as well. Might just take a bit.

Have been pretty busy.

As well as I will do a post on the Wolf Tribe. Still debating on doing recipes. Thinking maybe a recipe once a week on a set day. Any thoughts on doing that or requests are appreciated. Since most of them will be from my days in culinary school some of them might include a picture of what I actually made. I didn’t take that many pictures so no promises. Also planning on a post about being a Pagan/Heathen in the Bible belt and in a Christian house. Just my experience and some tips on how to cope.

Off topic. Checked the weather today. Next week is supposed to get into the 90’s. I just had to open my big mouth. But, like I said, with Missouri you can’t predict the weather too accurately. You can get four seasons in a week.

Until next time my loves.

Fall is in the air

Here in Missouri, the temperature has very slowly started going down. In the morning and at night there is a definite chill in the air and the days aren’t smoldering. If you stand in the shade it actually feels amazing outside. That also has something to do with the miraculous lack of humidity.

Autumn is coming folks.

I’m also noticing the acorns that have been falling on my street are turning brown (as in brown before falling) which is a pretty good indicator here.

I am absolutely loving this weather.

Gods only know how long it will last though. Missouri. You can get all four seasons in one week so too hard to really tell. Not an exact science.

But the signs of the wheel turning are pretty clear.

Soon there will be pumpkin everything everywhere, so be prepared.

 And I get to wear my boots again! I have thigh high brown boots that are my favoritest thing ever.

Now unrelated stuff.

I’ve gotten new stuff, which I will be sharing pictures of tomorrow.

Frey has become a new player in my life and I’ll share more about that as well. Honestly, with my relationship with his sister it was only a matter of time.

I had purchased Sebation’s Visions of Vanaheim and I have been working my way through that. I will let you guys know about that as well as I will start talking about my budding work with the Wolf Tribe.

I’m thinking of posting some recipes too. Any thoughts on that would be appreciated. Keep in mind, I went to culinary school so I have all kinds of stuff.

Until tomorrow my loves.

Bound

So awhile back I had gotten a new tarot deck, the Mystic Faerie Tarot.

pretty artwork
pretty artwork

It is my third deck since I started working with Tarot cards about 3-4 years ago (I don’t really remember anymore).

My first deck was a very dark deck (which really fit my sort of depressed demeanor at the time) all about spirits and the dead. Just about every card had a very dark ominous message. The next deck was a bit more basic but had beautiful artwork, the Illuminati deck.

I’ve had it for a while but I’ve finally started messing around with it. From my learning process the best way to get to know a deck is by doing a daily (at least) one card reading for yourself. This faerie deck has a very different feel to it. This deck seems to be very much on the mischievous and sometimes sarcastic side with me.

When I do daily one card readings usually I’ll just ask a general “What message do They have for me?” unless there is something really pressing on my mind.

The past two nights in a row I’ve gotten The Devil.

20130629-201707

The Devil card has a lot to do with being bound, usually by a vice or obsession with a certain kind of pleasure. That’s not what the message this card holds for me.

What’s binding me?

My fear.

My fear of failing, of embarrassing myself, of showing the world my true self, and sometimes even of succeeding and what I would do with that success.

I didn’t think of this at first when I picked the card and read the little description of the book (I already know the major arcana pretty well but each tarot deck always has a sort of different version and if the deck is themed it usually has story behind it). I was just kind of staring at the card when I got pokes and heard “fear”. It was Fenrir poking me.

This is coming at a time where my dream of opening my own shop has been surfacing again. I believe I’ve mentioned it in a post before. I have a dream of opening my own metaphysical/pagan shop. Like a brick and mortar one. I do live in the bible belt but it seems (especially with this new generation) the pagan numbers here are on the rise. But recently I’ve had a lot of stuff about pagan opening pagan shops come to my attention (mostly via Facebook). It was something I’ve pretty well pushed to the back burner for awhile.

Originally my plan was to have it be me and my best friend, but per usual my older sister had to get involved by showing interest. I have, recently, though booted her out. My younger brother has officially left Wicca and is joining the Kemetic path. I’ve been helping him out as much as possible, but I only know so much. It started with him starting a relationship with Bast, then Anubis has decided to claim him as well. He decided to talk to my sister and my brother-in-law about it. Didn’t go well.

My brother-in-law told him he is crazy for having interactions with Them, and my sister felt the need to tell him his religion has “caused a lot of pain”. My brother-in-law  is one of those that thinks he knows everything. Since my brother decided being pagan was right for him my brother-in-law has been feeding him bullshit information, like him having so many crystals will mess him up. My sister just goes right along with it even though she is not pagan and really knows nothing about any kind of pagan religion except the few questions she has asked me. She just goes with everything he says because that’s the way she has always been. She is very weak of mind, and has no individuality of her own.

By the way, what she meant by “causing a lot of pain” is referring to the Hebrew babies that the Egyptians killed. Now, I can’t speak too terribly much about this since I haven’t really done any historical fact checking about that particular bit from the bible. But lets go with the assumption that it is true. It had absolutely nothing to do with religion. It was about keeping their population down to make sure no uprising could occur. This is the type of stuff she does, jumps on something she really doesn’t understand.

And that is why she will have nothing to do with my shop. I will not have her talk that way or have that kind of energy around my customers. Period.

So…..I went a bit off subject.

Fear.

I am 22 years old and I’ve almost had an anxiety attack over having to set an eye doctor appointment so I can get contacts. Why? Because I have never done it before and didn’t know all they information they needed when I tried to set an appointment online. I have a fear of making myself look or sound like an idiot. Not incredibly rational but there it is. It is also something I will definitely need to get over if I want to go into business for myself one day.

That is really the root of the work Fenrir is doing with me. And he would be an expert about being bound because of fear (not his own fear of course). He says he wants to make me into an Alpha, but really is wanting me to take full control of my life.

Last night when I got The Devil card, it was a “I fucking get it!” moment. Weirded me out though, I have never gotten a tarot card twice in a row like that before, and I did do a thorough shuffle.