Strength

I know I have really quite for awhile. There has been quite a bit going on.

Heads up, UPG ahead!

The end of 2015 and going into 2016 was rough. Got sick twice (and I never get sick), it flooded enough where I couldn’t go home for a full week, and money troubles (from missing work because of being sick). With the flooding I wasn’t able to go home even to get the necessities. Stuck in a hotel with the family for a week with nothing. Had to buy a couple pieces of clothing and toiletries so that also didn’t help with my money situation. Things are finally starting to calm down.

I whined about all this shit happening to Thor. He chuckled and told me “You can’t form steel into a sword without a lot of heat”. Great. Thanks. So most likely more bullshit to come.

Spiritually has been interesting too. Frankly, I really didn’t want to post anything about it at first, but I decided “fuck it”. What better day to post this than on Thor’s day?

My relationship with Fenrir is just about nothing at this point. It hurts having him gone but it made way for something much bigger.

I had made a decision at the beginning of all this that I didn’t want to be a Godspouse. Yea, He obviously had different plans.

So during this whole ordeal it became official. There was a bit of an argument between Freya and Thor concerning Her plans for me. She has been pouting for a little while now.

When this all began I made an agreement with Thor to wear red for him every Thursday, His day. It’s something small, but it is what he asked of me. I also burn the incense I have picked out for him every Thursday night.

The other night he requested whiskey. He wants me to keep a small cup or shot glass of it on my alter and take a shot with him once a week (I’m not much of a drinker, I know uncommon for a Heathen). With Him it is always the small things.

Lightning and keys have become important symbols of our ever growing relationship.

I sleep with him every night now instead of only Thursday nights. Everything used to always happen on Thursdays now that I think about it.

I’ve also had to learn some things about myself.

I used to always think I was a bit cynical and almost bitter when it comes to anything most would deem romantic. I claimed it as a part of myself and often used it as a shield to protect myself from getting hurt.

I’ve been shown that isn’t entirely true. What I thought was just a part of me was a wall that I had built to protect myself. Something that I had created, not something that was just a part of me. Poking at that wall actually hurts, and may be the end of my current relationship with my boyfriend.

I figured out that is the true reason behind my unhappiness with him. There is no romance. We act just like friends who happen to have sex. I’m the one who always decides what we do, there are never any surprises. It isn’t for lack of trying on part, but anytime I try to get him to make a decision I just get “I don’t know”. Thor has started to push for me to break things off too.

Strength is the name of the game now that things are more official.

Strength isn’t just physical, but mental/emotional.

Sure He is pushing for me to build up my physical strength, but that is a piece of cake compared to emotional strength.

 Strength is many things, and sometimes it could even mean being strong enough to push aside your pride and ask for help when it is needed. It is also being able to stand on your own two feet and not expecting things to be done for you.

I’ve always been very good at false strength. Making it seem like to the outside world that I’m this sort of powerful woman, Hel I’ve been told countless times I’m intimidating (something I struggle to believe).

Since our marriage (yea that is scary saying out loud, well typing) he has been swinging his hammer about, violently breaking down my walls and really breaking me down.

Not going to lie, it definitely has not been a fun ride.

It is pain, but from personal experience I can honestly say pain can either make you stronger or break you. The choice is yours.

In other news I mourn for three deaths, Lemmy of Motorhead, David Bowie the Goblin King and Alan Rickman. I wish for a glorious afterlife for these amazing men where ever their faiths took them.

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Well Then

Remember this necklace I got from Seb?

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Well it decided to break on me today, while at work. That was fun! Spent a good ten minutes digging beads out of my bra then another searching under my desk for the remaining ones.

After I collected them all I got a message.

“Make a new one and make it your own.”

It isn’t that He didn’t like it, but I think it has a bit to do with the fact that I made a necklace for Fenrir. Making the necklace yourself does make it a bit more intimate.

So this weekend I have a new project. I have to buy more beadalon cord (thanks to my younger brother using it up but that is when you offer to share stuff with a 16 year old). I’m planning on using some of the original beads and adding on others. Don’t have a set plan yet. I’m really going to try to avoid having to buy more beads, so will just have to see how it goes.

 If you wanted me to change the damn necklace you could have waited until I at least got home.

The Hunt, the Huntress and the Thunderer

Big topic right now considering how early The Hunt started.

I’m going to dance around it a bit.

Building my relationship back up with Thor has been going pretty well so far. It’s definitely slow goings with Him being very busy with what is going on, but still going. I was not doing so good the past few days and He was actually babying me quite a bit yesterday. As a thank you I have a nice new shiny Mjolnir coming in the mail. He told me it wasn’t necessary. The one I normally wear is the first one I got. I’m not getting rid of it by any means, it has sentimental value now. But it is getting old and getting kind of dingy. Not to mention it’s more of a symbol of the relationship almost starting anew (getting the new one I mean).

The closer we have been getting again the more I feel The Hunt. I’ve been getting antsy. Most nights I’ve been getting plenty of sleep but still wake up exhausted. I have a feeling some astral stuff has been going on while I’m asleep but I can never remember any of it.

I almost feel The Hunt calling. It may have some to do with my origins in the Wolf Tribe of Vanaheim. They play a pretty big part in The Hunt. I don’t really feel like I know enough about it though to really be able to talk too much about it.

When Thor comes to me though, he seems kind of exhausted. He has definitely been busy.

Skadi’s energy has been becoming more prominent to me as of late. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but it was more in passing. She is calling me to Her again. My reaction is “well Your mark is still on my arm so of course!” She loves The Hunt. She is almost giddy which is really entertaining.

When She left me, I was really sad. She isn’t the warmest most affectionate Jotun, but she really helped me to get through a really hard time. She didn’t do this by babying me, She kicked my ass in gear. I still feel a fierce loyalty to her.

Freya’s reaction to The Hunt? Imagine a gorgeous blond with brilliant blue eyes in a sort of Shieldmaiden outfit skipping with a sword. That pretty well describes it. I’ve never seen her like this before.

Fenrir seems to be avoiding it all, but is trying his best to make up for the time that Thor is gone.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

Until next time loves.

Happy Freya’s Day!

New Moon, New Beginnings

Last night I did another reading with my faerie deck. This time I got the Priestess (finally they got past the Devil).

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This card has really interesting timing on it.

I’m planning on doing my official Profession tonight. My dedication to the realms of Asgard, Vanaheim, and Mani (who I consider to be outside of those realms). I got special made candles from Nono (aka Sebastian), which are awesome. I actually ended up with two Mani candles though the purchase was for only three candles. The second one was smaller so I’m thinking it was left over stuff.

Now, my dedication is not something I’m saying anyone else should do, but it just felt right to me. And this card really showed me that it is right.

In the description it talked about the Priestess being near an oak, which is a tree that does tend to be associated with Thor. And for the new viewers at home, Thor is really the one that brought me on this path.

As a matter of fact, August 2nd was the anniversary of that meeting.

So, it’s about time that I do this and just feels right.

Progress

In my life I am always trying to progress further. For quite sometime I have been concentrating on further my knowledge of and relationship with Them.

Just got my new Mjolnir in the mail on Monday (been too busy to post a picture).

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I’m so in love with necklace. I tend to spoil/spend the most money on Thor.

Since starting my relationship with my current boyfriend, my relationship with Thor has been a bit on the strained side, but my relationship with Freya and Mani has gotten stronger. I’ve also been actually developing a relationship with Fenrir. He has told me his goal with me is to turn me into an “Alpha Wolf”, not exactly something I was necessarily wanting to do but I’m not fighting it.  My initial reaction was “Well, these people already say I’m Alpha”, a half joking remark. He simply shook his head at me. Well then.

Last Wednesday he decided he wanted to get in bed with me and snuggle up, at this point I starting feeling a weird pressure in the middle of my forehead. Not sure what that was about.

But, currently working on mending my relationship with Thor, which hasn’t been that difficult.

Also has become an situation of having two mothers, Freya and Frigga. It’s almost like one for strength and one for compassion. And then there is Mani, the one that has taken a fatherly role for me, and alluding to it not being the first time in my life he has done this. So that is a whole other bag of worms.

And as I said in my last post, it’s research time for me. I’m gathering up as much information on The Wild Hunt as I possibly can. The time will be upon us before you know it (hopefully).

That’s about as much as far as updates on my devotion as I got for the moment.

My little brother just got claimed by Anubis (for an update on him) and I have been trying to help him out with his new path as much as possible. So now he has Bast and Anubis.

Also!

Just a reminder my email address is on the side there if you ever want to talk. Chit chat is cool, I am also open to giving advise when I can and I’m fairly good at interpreting dreams. Just throwing that out there.

Just Thinking

So I have been doing a bit of contemplating on my current situation, religion wise.

My older sister D, had once said about the guy she was dating “He made a deal with God to ……before he was born”. I don’t remember what the thing was. It was forever ago, but the rest of it obviously stuck. At the time, an image of a baby came to mind, talking with YHWH before he was aloud to be born. This was long before I realized I had other options than Christianity, by the way.

Keeping that little tidbit in mind, I’ve been thinking about my personal history and connections to Them.

Was it destined? Was the decision made before I was born?

A lot of what I have been through has brought me to the Northern Path, really to just anything other than Christianity. My family is really what ended up bringing me specifically to Asatru, or being a Heathen, or what ever you want to call it.

The abuse in my childhood from the stepdad that raised me forged a connection to Mani.

About 90% of my relationships have ended in the guy just disappearing. Not even dumping me, just never saw him again. Crying as I try to found out what happened (though my tears aren’t made of gold).

As a child, due to my stepdad’s gambling habit, my mom was working all the time. I had to help raise my younger brother. On many occasions I took over my mother’s duties for one reason or another. As in I cooked dinner for the family, made sure the house was clean, and that my younger brother got done everything he needed. There have been times where I metaphorically held the keys to the house.

After that stepdad, another came. He was much more abusive, though only mentally. No one would stand up to him. I became the protector ( I would have love to beat the shit out of him with a nice sized hammer) of my family members. That feeling of being protective has stuck with me.

Makes all of this feel almost destined to be. Just a thought.

Side note: Saw a goat on my way home yesterday in someone’s yard. Not exactly common where I live.

I get it Thor, I haven’t been paying enough of attention to you.

Stuff Going On

So these next couple weeks, I have a few plans.

This weekend, on Sunday, I am heading to the Renaissance Faire with my best friend. I got my dress for it, which is beautiful. It’s called the “Bonnie Lass”. I love it. I also bought a pair of elf ear cuffs to wear with it. Super excited. I love the Ren Faire. Jousting, pirates, mead, belly dancers, merchants, and other performers. There is a lady that is there every year that has one of the sort of booths/shops of her handmade glass stuff. She sits in front of the little building in full dress, and makes the stuff for people to watch. It’s so cool. She makes little fairies, and dolphins and all kinds of stuff. It’s only $15 a ticket and it is awesome! There is this Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator that is there too. He is amazing, dead on match just looking at him.

Next Sunday, I’m hitting up the Irish Fest. I got my kilt for that endeavor, and a matching pair of elf ear cuffs for that too. Why? Because why not? They have Irish bands, Irish dancers, Irish food and booths selling Irish type stuff. I’m an eighth Irish from my mother’s side and have always had a love for the Emerald Isle, and really all things Celtic. I went last year too and it was really cool, and free. Not to mention the park they are having it at is short walking distance from the only Celtic store and Metaphysical store that I know how to get to.

The Saturday after that my older sister is getting married at the Renaissance Faire. They are having this mass wedding. This was the only way she could afford it right now. I’m happy for her. That and she is apparently pregnant. I have to admit I’m a little jealous. Been having hardcore baby fever since mother’s day, when I was helping my mom pick out baby clothes for my step-sister’s grand daughter (yea she is in her late 30’s and her daughter is 17). That said, I am very happy for her. She had convinced herself she wasn’t able to have kids, and has wanted to for awhile. My personal opinion is that she isn’t ready for a child. Not financially or emotionally. She freaks out over the littlest stuff which doesn’t help that she was diagnosed with depression as a teenager. The freaking out over little stuff is what worries me. I’m worried she is going to stress herself out (like she usually does) that she will end up miscarrying. And that would crush her more than anything else.

The same day as the wedding, I’m taking off for my week long vacation in Montana. I love it up there. You can see mountains from just about anywhere. I would definitely move up there, if it wasn’t for the crap winters and even crappier traffic. I’m excited to spend time with my biological father, my second oldest sister and my two nieces.

That same day

Other than that, not much going on.

I have this feeling I’m just sort of stuck.

I can’t get myself to do anything, and this is starting to cause a distance to form between me and Them, especially Frigga and Freya. It bothers me, and no matter how much I try to push myself, I’m just drained. A big part of it is now being in pain everyday. Tooth pain, one of the few kinds of pain I don’t handle well. Yea, I should go to the dentist but I haven’t been to one since I was a child. Most likely will need at least one tooth pulled. Problem is my job is one that requires talking, so I kind of need my mouth to function, and I can’t afford to take off right now.

It has been getting better over time, but it is draining me. Part of why I haven’t posted much as of late, that and doing my research nerd thing. I really do love learning.

Thunderstorms today. I’m going to sleep well tonight.

OH! This was my 100th post!

Looking More at Fenrir

“We humans fear the beast within the wolves because we do not understand the beast within ourselves”

~ Gerald Hausman

So, per the self proclaimed nerd that I am, I have been doing some research. Looking  more at Fenrir because for some reason I just kind of feel the need to.

I started out by looking at other blogs here, I find when someone talks about something in one post it tends to be a recurring thing which means more information. Plus I was interested in people’s personal opinions from experience with him.

I couldn’t find much, which was a bummer.

Looking around on the internet I found exactly what I thought I would find. Either just talking about his role in the lore, or just a lot of hate.

I came across a thread on pagan space in my search, a person asking about worshipping Fenrir. One comment was “In Asatru, worshipping Fenrir is like worshiping Satan to Christians.” Well that’s interesting. Brought up a train of thought. Enjoy the ride!

Christianity has really colored a lot of thought in society, even for those who are pretty against it. We have God, the “good guy”, and Satan or the Devil the “bad guy”. Now you look at Asatru from outside perspective. We have the Aesir and the Vanir, the “good guys” and the Jotun, Loki and his children, the “bad guys”. See where I’m going here?

But can someone really be just one thing, all good or all bad? Even just looking at the lore. Taking Loki for example: He cut off Sif’s hair, but to make up for that he not only brought her golden hair, but other gifts for the gods. Not only making up for what he took but bringing back much more. To look at things so black and white is, in my eyes, childish.

I think the post I reblogged yesterday “Fenrir was framed!” makes some pretty good points. It really points to a bit of a cycle. Odin was told a prophecy, and by trying to avoid said incident, he really is responsible for it.

In the thread I was talking about earlier, they not only vilified Fenrir but made a sort of martyr out of Tyr for the biting off of Tyr’s hand. Tyr, the God of Justice, paid a just price for tricking Fenrir in to being bound. Simply my view on the matter.

In my search I came across another blog, on a totally different site. Pretty good post not only about Fenrir, but wolves and death (where the quote came from that I love).  It’s a good read and I highly suggest it.

I think that is all for now. I still haven’t come up with my own conclusions on the wolf, or whether or not I’m going to attempt to work with him (keep in mind the energy flood incident). He has been knocking on my door again recently.

Go figure, a wolf interested in a wolf.

Happy Frigga and Freya’s day.

How I See the Gods

One of the issues I tend to have when trying to find devotional pieces, like statues, is finding ones that fit Them as I see them. I believe everyone sees Them differently because They choose how They look to each person, also everyone’s “vision” is slightly different.

I’ve been trying to find a statue of Thor that I like, and it just seems that it can’t be done.

So I’m going to give you a little view on how I see them. I found images as close to the way I see Them as possible. I really wish I was better at drawing so I could get it more exactly, but I can’t draw people. I can draw anime women, and I’m not the best at that either.

Here we go!

Thor:

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This is the closest image I can find to how he appears to me. Very rugged almost biker type. Maybe he knows that's my type?

Why is every image of Thor so stern? This is the closest I can come to how I see Him. Usually he is pretty happy and has a very warm energy about him.

Freya:

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with golden blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes

This is pretty close, though I never see her with her hair pulled back. This is from an artist I found on etsy. I will probably end up buying this particular piece. Again, usually a smile on her face with a warm energy.

Frigga:

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Frigga has a soft kind of energy, almost like someone placing a blanket on you when you fall asleep on the couch. I usually see her with light brown, or darker blonde hair.

Odin:

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Odin is definitely a harder one to find. He is almost always depicted as a Gandalf the Grey type. Always very much older with grey or white hair. Not exactly how I see him. This is the closest I could ever find to how I see the Allfather. This is from the Gods of Asgard graphic novel by Erik Evensen. I actually own this, it’s pretty cool. Worth checking out if you haven’t already. Pretty good price on Amazon. His energy seems to be pretty blocked off, he mostly likes to observe and creep about with me at least. It’s kind of hard to describe.

Skadi:

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She was even more difficult to find. I don’t see her with blue skin or red eyes. I see her more as very pale with bluish grey eyes. The white hair is fitting and this is pretty similar to the way I see her hair. Either something like this or in just a simple French style braid, but it is white. Also thin out her lips a bit, and he expression is usually on the stern side. The bone structure is pretty similar though. Typically dawning a cloak. Her energy is very much on the cold side, and feels kind of distant. I spent at least an hour trying to find something. Ugh.

Loki:

Loki selfie with the Allfather. I just cant.
Loki selfie with the Allfather. I just cant.

I don’t have too many interactions with Loki, but this is the closest I could find what I see. Round out the chin a bit. The energy is actually warm but it always has the feeling of something hidden underneath. Probably because he is planning something. I don’t hate the guy but he can be a real pain in the ass. And I can kind of see him doing this.

Fenrir:

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Fenrir is the interesting one. I never “saw” him. He kind of did a metaphorical knock on my door. This picture is kind of the best imagery to go along with the wave of energy that came in when I agreed to let him through. Seriously scared me. He was polite enough though. I may give him a change again later, but he will kind of have to work with me a bit.

Other stuff I found:

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Hel art. I wanted to share it simply because I think it is absolutely beautiful. Personally, though, I’ve never done any work with Hel.

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Two others I came across on the search for pictures. The first one I wanted to post because I find it very sweet. Second one is because the little part on the bottom. Chibi Loki on chibi Thor’s shoulders screaming “Onward Thor!” was too funny. Thor was not amused but Freya and I got a good laugh out of it.

So there you have it folks! This, again, is just what I see/feel. Please share your experience!

Cleaning with Frigga

Yesterday I got to go home from work early because I work on Saturday. Usually I would just relax and enjoy the time off, and having the house to myself. It’s part of my weekend now after all since I have to work a half day on Saturday.

Nope, Frigga was having none of that. So I dusted my room (for the first time ever), vacuumed, cleaned my… umm….well I don’t really consider it an altar but it could be seen as one, and did a nice bit of laundry.

Having my room nice and clean, I decided I’d share some of the highlights of my room.

My non altar?
My non altar?

I have quite a few crystals, not all of them are set up here. If you want to know what ones are sitting there, I can list them off. The candle I had dedicated to Frigga (I engraved her name in runes into it) is currently lit. The pink one is my Freya candle, and the other one that is red but you can see very well is for Thor.

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My little snow flakes are for Skadi, but she is still MIA. That is a Pink Himalayan Salt Lamp
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You can see Thor’s candle a little better here. Also engraved his name in runes, but obviously you can’t see that.

 

It’s still a bit of a mess. It’s from all ash going everywhere from my incense. That particular incense holder is actually pretty old. Got it quite a while before the Norse path called to me, and at that time I had a bit of an obsession with Ankhs.

This is hanging up on my wall next to my bed
This is hanging up on my wall next to my bed

 

Hanging above my bed.
Hanging above my bed.
My necklaces, only about four of them I ever wear anymore.
My necklaces and two of my bracelets. Only about four of the necklaces get worn anymore.

Yes that is an Everstar necklace for the fellow geeks that recognize it. The greyish/black necklace is Hematite. The one on the far right is commonly known as the Samulet. If you watch Supernatural you should recognize it. The tan band is a bracelet called “Irish Blessing” It has a claddagh, Celtic cross, and a little green gem. And in case you can’t tell that little orange ball looking thing is a gold pumpkin with a gold leaf.

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My funko! pop collection.

Picture on the left, starting from the left is Charlie, Sam, Dean and Crowley. My supernatural collection. Almost finished, I just need Castiel. In the background you can see my toy laser gun (I’m an adult I swear!) and one box of my Magic cards.

The right picture is Merida and Batman (obviously). That little picture in the background is a panting from my best friend of Chibi Dean and a brown wolf that is mostly hidden.

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I also collect masquerade masks.

That blue thing is an Xbox 360 controller
That blue thing is an Xbox 360 controller

The man abs you see if a picture of Dean Winchester (aka Jensen Ackles) which was a present. The husky/wolf in the middle was a present from my mom, the small one I bought myself, and the larger one my older sister bought for me. The Iron Man mask was originally going to be a present for Fen. It looked like crap when I bought it, so I repainted it. Then Fen broke a promise (again) and I decided to keep it for myself. Iron Man is my favorite Marvel superhero. The head piece he is wearing is from my younger brother’s Madrigal. Madrigal is like a mini ren faire type performance that his choir does every year. I thought Iron Man needed to be pretty.

So there you have it folks. An unasked for peak into my life.