Bound

So awhile back I had gotten a new tarot deck, the Mystic Faerie Tarot.

pretty artwork
pretty artwork

It is my third deck since I started working with Tarot cards about 3-4 years ago (I don’t really remember anymore).

My first deck was a very dark deck (which really fit my sort of depressed demeanor at the time) all about spirits and the dead. Just about every card had a very dark ominous message. The next deck was a bit more basic but had beautiful artwork, the Illuminati deck.

I’ve had it for a while but I’ve finally started messing around with it. From my learning process the best way to get to know a deck is by doing a daily (at least) one card reading for yourself. This faerie deck has a very different feel to it. This deck seems to be very much on the mischievous and sometimes sarcastic side with me.

When I do daily one card readings usually I’ll just ask a general “What message do They have for me?” unless there is something really pressing on my mind.

The past two nights in a row I’ve gotten The Devil.

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The Devil card has a lot to do with being bound, usually by a vice or obsession with a certain kind of pleasure. That’s not what the message this card holds for me.

What’s binding me?

My fear.

My fear of failing, of embarrassing myself, of showing the world my true self, and sometimes even of succeeding and what I would do with that success.

I didn’t think of this at first when I picked the card and read the little description of the book (I already know the major arcana pretty well but each tarot deck always has a sort of different version and if the deck is themed it usually has story behind it). I was just kind of staring at the card when I got pokes and heard “fear”. It was Fenrir poking me.

This is coming at a time where my dream of opening my own shop has been surfacing again. I believe I’ve mentioned it in a post before. I have a dream of opening my own metaphysical/pagan shop. Like a brick and mortar one. I do live in the bible belt but it seems (especially with this new generation) the pagan numbers here are on the rise. But recently I’ve had a lot of stuff about pagan opening pagan shops come to my attention (mostly via Facebook). It was something I’ve pretty well pushed to the back burner for awhile.

Originally my plan was to have it be me and my best friend, but per usual my older sister had to get involved by showing interest. I have, recently, though booted her out. My younger brother has officially left Wicca and is joining the Kemetic path. I’ve been helping him out as much as possible, but I only know so much. It started with him starting a relationship with Bast, then Anubis has decided to claim him as well. He decided to talk to my sister and my brother-in-law about it. Didn’t go well.

My brother-in-law told him he is crazy for having interactions with Them, and my sister felt the need to tell him his religion has “caused a lot of pain”. My brother-in-law  is one of those that thinks he knows everything. Since my brother decided being pagan was right for him my brother-in-law has been feeding him bullshit information, like him having so many crystals will mess him up. My sister just goes right along with it even though she is not pagan and really knows nothing about any kind of pagan religion except the few questions she has asked me. She just goes with everything he says because that’s the way she has always been. She is very weak of mind, and has no individuality of her own.

By the way, what she meant by “causing a lot of pain” is referring to the Hebrew babies that the Egyptians killed. Now, I can’t speak too terribly much about this since I haven’t really done any historical fact checking about that particular bit from the bible. But lets go with the assumption that it is true. It had absolutely nothing to do with religion. It was about keeping their population down to make sure no uprising could occur. This is the type of stuff she does, jumps on something she really doesn’t understand.

And that is why she will have nothing to do with my shop. I will not have her talk that way or have that kind of energy around my customers. Period.

So…..I went a bit off subject.

Fear.

I am 22 years old and I’ve almost had an anxiety attack over having to set an eye doctor appointment so I can get contacts. Why? Because I have never done it before and didn’t know all they information they needed when I tried to set an appointment online. I have a fear of making myself look or sound like an idiot. Not incredibly rational but there it is. It is also something I will definitely need to get over if I want to go into business for myself one day.

That is really the root of the work Fenrir is doing with me. And he would be an expert about being bound because of fear (not his own fear of course). He says he wants to make me into an Alpha, but really is wanting me to take full control of my life.

Last night when I got The Devil card, it was a “I fucking get it!” moment. Weirded me out though, I have never gotten a tarot card twice in a row like that before, and I did do a thorough shuffle.

Progress

In my life I am always trying to progress further. For quite sometime I have been concentrating on further my knowledge of and relationship with Them.

Just got my new Mjolnir in the mail on Monday (been too busy to post a picture).

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I’m so in love with necklace. I tend to spoil/spend the most money on Thor.

Since starting my relationship with my current boyfriend, my relationship with Thor has been a bit on the strained side, but my relationship with Freya and Mani has gotten stronger. I’ve also been actually developing a relationship with Fenrir. He has told me his goal with me is to turn me into an “Alpha Wolf”, not exactly something I was necessarily wanting to do but I’m not fighting it.  My initial reaction was “Well, these people already say I’m Alpha”, a half joking remark. He simply shook his head at me. Well then.

Last Wednesday he decided he wanted to get in bed with me and snuggle up, at this point I starting feeling a weird pressure in the middle of my forehead. Not sure what that was about.

But, currently working on mending my relationship with Thor, which hasn’t been that difficult.

Also has become an situation of having two mothers, Freya and Frigga. It’s almost like one for strength and one for compassion. And then there is Mani, the one that has taken a fatherly role for me, and alluding to it not being the first time in my life he has done this. So that is a whole other bag of worms.

And as I said in my last post, it’s research time for me. I’m gathering up as much information on The Wild Hunt as I possibly can. The time will be upon us before you know it (hopefully).

That’s about as much as far as updates on my devotion as I got for the moment.

My little brother just got claimed by Anubis (for an update on him) and I have been trying to help him out with his new path as much as possible. So now he has Bast and Anubis.

Also!

Just a reminder my email address is on the side there if you ever want to talk. Chit chat is cool, I am also open to giving advise when I can and I’m fairly good at interpreting dreams. Just throwing that out there.

Just another day

This is going to be another post just about what is going on in my life. It’s going to be kind of random and all over the place, so if you choose to skip this one I understand. But, you have been warned.

So I almost forgot that my birthday is tomorrow (Sunday the 19th), and the other day I cussed out an ice cream truck driver because he cut me off on the interstate twice. Feeling like I’m officially an adult.

Finally paid off my new Mani necklace and got it in the mail yesterday. It is beautiful!

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The picture does no justice at all to how gorgeous this necklace is, but I couldn’t be happier, especially since I got it before the next full moon. It was made by the very talented Beth.

I also finally have some incense for Him, picked out by Him. I couldn’t tell you what the sent is. It is from a local place called Magic Garden. The name has a bit of a relevance between the two of us. We share a song by the band Skyclad (UK band that you need to check out if you haven’t) called A Stranger in the Garden. The lyrics don’t have any direct correlation to Mani per se except for a mention of the full moon, but it is a song that we both enjoy a lot and has more meaning between the two of us. The song actually has a bit of a mention of Aphrodite, Valhalla, and Eden (not connecting them together, just mentioned). My relationship with Mani continues to grow stronger and stronger.

A little bit on the sore side today. I had to help my step dad get our new fridge in the house. It was actually too big to fit through the doorway so it became whole ordeal that took almost an hour and a half.

So my younger brother has given up Wicca for Kemetics. He is developing a relationship with Bast. He is the first one I have told about how intimate my relationship is with Them (talking, seeing, etc) in my personal life. He understood, believed, and asked for advise on how he could have that kind of relationship. It’s kind of hard because I don’t have much to give him. For me it just came naturally, I didn’t really have to try to see or hear Them. I keep trying to explain to him that everyone is going to have a different experience. I’m used to being the guide for him, always have been. Sometimes I feel like he is my child, mostly because I had to help raise him. I try to teach him about life, to guide him to make his own decisions, to do what is best for himself and not for others. I am also his protector, always have been. Sometimes though, you have to let them fall so they can learn. This is one of those things I can’t teach him how to do. I’ve directed him to the best resources I can find, but that isn’t a pantheon I work with. I am pretty strictly Norse, not that I think it is bad to work with other pantheons, it’s just not something I do. The reason? Haven’t connected with any other ones. But, here is where something comes up, a little dreaded UPG. I was debating on whether or not I would share it, but why in Helheim not? I have come to understand that Bast and Freya have a good relationship. I went to Freya to see if she could help him at all with his budding relationship with Bast. “I’ll see what I can do,” was the answer I got with a smile. That night? Bast came to him in his dream.

Not doing much for the birthday. Just having a BBQ with the family and my boyfriend. Turning 22, nothing special. Everyone keep telling me “it’s still your birthday, you should celebrate it!” but I just don’t see too much of a need. This may come from my childhood. In the post I talk more about it but growing up in borderline poverty, after a certain point we only celebrated the big birthdays (13, 16, and 18). Every other birthday usually my present was having a birthday cake. It was all we could really afford. So that is kind of the way I still think of it. For my 30th though, you better believe I will have a big bash. I don’t dread getting older (unlike my sister who is freaking out about turning 30) I embrace. Freya seems to push a lot aging gracefully. Aging gracefully really has nothing to do with actual looks. It’s about your attitude. If you fight aging and try to make yourself younger than you are you are doing yourself no favors. Age gracefully, accept your age, realize you earned your years, you earned every freckle, scar, wrinkle, and grey hair. Be proud of that.