News!

So I’ve been silent the last couple days because they had me training someone new at my work so been pretty busy, so here are updates.

First, I need to talk about the woman I have been training. She’s a heathen! I cannot tell you guess how excited I got when I saw her wearing a hammer. I had to control myself and not jump on it. I wanted to feel it out a bit and eased into talking about it. And yup, full blown heathen. See, the only other pagans around here (and they are few and far between already) are Wiccans, so to have found a real life heathen was amazing! To actually have someone in real life to talk to about my religion, though I’m keeping the more woo stuff on the down low for the moment.

And that’s not all. She is part of a kindred. There is more to that, just bare with me.

So on the 10th, I went with my best friend to the Saint Louis Pagan Pride. First of all, it was awesome in general being around other pagans. I’m usually the quiet shy person and my best friend is the more outgoing one. Not at Pagan Pride. I was talking up a storm with a bunch of people, and frankly I really surprised myself. It was a lot smaller than I thought it would be but it is still something fairly new so I suspect it will get bigger over time, but the people that were there were awesome.

Back track a bit. I was talking with my new heathen coworker about the event, asking if she was going. She said probably not but her kindred will be having a booth there.

When I got there, I got to the booth and talked to the Chieftain of the kindred and it was an instant click. That’s right folk, I got invited to be a part of a kindred! The first two events they invited me to sadly I won’t make (well one was last week, so didn’t make it) because I’m still recovering financially from the visit to the ER. The next one is on Halloween, which I already promised my best friend I’d be going to her party, and I keep my promises. I will definitely be at the next one and I am so excited and nervous all at the same time. They are a ways from me (at least an hour) but doing that every couple of months will be worth it. To finally be a part of the physical community. I did double check with my coworker to make sure she was okay with me joining, and she actually really wants me to. After I finally go to the first gathering, I’ll let you guys know how that goes.

Things are going very well with my boyfriend. This next part might be a little much on information for some (a tad sexual) so feel free to skip to the next paragraph. Sunday morning  I actually made the first move in bed. If you have been keeping up on this blog, you know it is kind of a big deal for me considering my history. This is the first time I have ever blatantly made the first move, usually I just hint. And to say the least the result was amazing. Hail Freya for her work with me, ha ha.

Now I have a bit of a problem. The man I formerly referred to as Fen. I will now be calling him The Leo (he’s a Leo). With my relationship with Fenrir now, I don’t really feel that nickname for him is appropriate anymore. Well, had a dream about him last night. A very not appropriate dream considering my current relationship status. It is rather infuriating. For some reason I just can’t get that man out of my life. He had his chance with me, and he decided going to orgy rituals were more important. I’m sorry but I’m a Wolf. We are territorial and I will not change that. I’ve kept him at more than arms length but he keeps popping up an it really pisses me off. I don’t even think about him and then I have a dream with him popping in it, and there is always affection between the two of us in my dreams. I just want it to stop. I’m happy in my current relationship and I don’t want to mess it up.

As far as my relationship with Thor goes, and that work, everything is well. I had to put off getting a tattoo and getting the bracelet for him unfortunately with my money situation. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get the tattoo now, especially with my older sister’s baby shower coming up and then the holidays. Probably will have to wait until next year which really sucks. Especially since now my car is needing new brakes and an oil change.

All in all, all is well here. A little stressful but not too bad. I have more stuff I want to discuss but that will be in a post all it’s own, which I will try to get in today.

If I don’t get the next one up today, until next time loves!

Oh so much fun!

So yesterday I spent the morning in the ER.

Apparently I have an infection in my gums.

The severe pain really started on Tuesday at work (which I barely made it through). I’ll tell you, I have a rather high pain tolerance but when it comes to tooth pains I turn into a giant baby. And that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

I got home (on Tuesday), held a warm rag to my face and took a nap. After that I felt better so I ignored it. This is my usual reaction to tooth pain. I whine, it goes away after a bit and I think nothing more about it. Fenrir came in and told me that I needed this pain, that it was good for me. Again, tooth pain turns me into a baby, so I got super pissed.

Yesterday morning, I got up and started to get ready for work. After brushing my teeth the pain started slowly coming back and then suddenly hit me with full force. I’m not too proud to admit I was crying my eyes out. So my mom took me to the ER. Frigga held my hand while I was waiting for the doctor. Got my diagnosis and was given Vicodin, that was interesting. Went to Walgreens to pick up my pills when it really hit while I was looking at Halloween stuff.

When I got home I got into another argument with Fenrir about the situation. He doesn’t really want me to get into details here. The gist is I’m too stubborn for anything but pain (and with my high pain tolerance it has to be severe pain) to make me face my fears about going to the dentist. The last time I went to the dentist when I was a kid and they poked at my gums so much I bled. I wasn’t happy. Now as an adult I know they will need to remove at least two to three teeth so I have been avoiding it like the plague.  After everything was said and done I realized he was right. I laid down in bed on my side and got a cold nose in my back. He was in his wolf form looking incredibly adorable for the giant black wolf he is. I sighed and let him get in bed with me.

I’m still not all that happy with Him, but I understand His side so I can’t really stay mad.

Sometimes breaking the bindings of the fear that holds you back is literally painful.

Almost cried when Thor came in today. I’ve missed him so much. You know that old saying “distance makes the heart grow fonder”.

He has been busy as of late and gone most of the time, but on Thursdays He is always here with me. It’s part of the agreement. He held me for a while, apparently Frigga told Him everything that happened. He is keeping completely out of what is going on with me and Fenrir. He has been babying me quite a bit today.

To say the least, making a dentist appointment for next week. Yay.

On Tuesday I was planning on starting to do a series on the relationships I have with Them and how they have progressed. I might still start that up. Depends on how I feel to be honest.

Until next time loves.

Happy Thor’s day!

The Hunt, the Huntress and the Thunderer

Big topic right now considering how early The Hunt started.

I’m going to dance around it a bit.

Building my relationship back up with Thor has been going pretty well so far. It’s definitely slow goings with Him being very busy with what is going on, but still going. I was not doing so good the past few days and He was actually babying me quite a bit yesterday. As a thank you I have a nice new shiny Mjolnir coming in the mail. He told me it wasn’t necessary. The one I normally wear is the first one I got. I’m not getting rid of it by any means, it has sentimental value now. But it is getting old and getting kind of dingy. Not to mention it’s more of a symbol of the relationship almost starting anew (getting the new one I mean).

The closer we have been getting again the more I feel The Hunt. I’ve been getting antsy. Most nights I’ve been getting plenty of sleep but still wake up exhausted. I have a feeling some astral stuff has been going on while I’m asleep but I can never remember any of it.

I almost feel The Hunt calling. It may have some to do with my origins in the Wolf Tribe of Vanaheim. They play a pretty big part in The Hunt. I don’t really feel like I know enough about it though to really be able to talk too much about it.

When Thor comes to me though, he seems kind of exhausted. He has definitely been busy.

Skadi’s energy has been becoming more prominent to me as of late. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but it was more in passing. She is calling me to Her again. My reaction is “well Your mark is still on my arm so of course!” She loves The Hunt. She is almost giddy which is really entertaining.

When She left me, I was really sad. She isn’t the warmest most affectionate Jotun, but she really helped me to get through a really hard time. She didn’t do this by babying me, She kicked my ass in gear. I still feel a fierce loyalty to her.

Freya’s reaction to The Hunt? Imagine a gorgeous blond with brilliant blue eyes in a sort of Shieldmaiden outfit skipping with a sword. That pretty well describes it. I’ve never seen her like this before.

Fenrir seems to be avoiding it all, but is trying his best to make up for the time that Thor is gone.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

Until next time loves.

Happy Freya’s Day!

October is approaching

Just a little side note first.

I might be a little on the inactive side. Fenrir is requesting I keep some of the relationship work private (understandably so). I will try to post when something starts itching and needs to be shared. But as far as my relationships with Thor and Fenrir, I’m going to be very selective in what I share. Just working on the relationships and with the way things are going right now it is a bit on the sensitive side. Thor has been pretty rare in appearances as of late, working, so that is making things just a tad more difficult (I’m not complaining, its just a fact.)

In other news, I’m starting to feel Skadi touching at the edge of my senses.

I think she is coming back! Seems The Hunt starting so early is bring her around a lot earlier as well.

Any way, now on topic.

October is definitely my favorite month.

First of all, autumn. All things Halloween-y. And just the feel in the air is like pot to me (not crack because it is incredibly relaxing). Fenrir is showing me he has some pretty strong ties to fall as well.

I’m a lot more active spiritually, physically and emotionally during fall. Summer heat drains me to where I’m barely functional. I hide inside in the AC (plus I burn incredibly easily) and just watch TV mostly. During fall I actually go out and do shit and it really lifts my spirit. Not to mention it means the holidays are on their way and I love the holiday season. Just has a warm fuzzy feel to it that I can’t get enough of. My boyfriend tried saying he was a scrooge.  I made sure he knew that wasn’t going to fly with me. I pulled the “you’re going to be happy about the holidays whether you want to or not, and you’re gonna like it!” He doesn’t seem to be too upset about it. I’m getting this Christmas sweater I found. On it it says “Fa la la la la, Valhalla la” with a shield, axe and sword on it. I showed it to him and he wanted one too. I joked about having matching sweaters and he even actually agreed to taking a picture with me of us both wearing it (he hates taking pictures) so I think he is okay with it all.

I’m starting to make plans for October.

I’m going to Pagan Pride in the city. Super excited about that. Going with my best friend and this is the first time either of us has gone. I don’t know what to expect but it will be nice being surrounded by other pagans.

Planning some trips to the local graveyards. I’m going to be ordering soon some crystals for offerings to the spirits. Not so excited about going to visit my grandmother’s grave. I haven’t gone in a long time, and I know it will be emotion filled. She died on my ninth birthday, with me being mad  Freya is pushing for me to bring my boyfriend with me for that reason. What he sees of my is about 70% independent woman who has been single forever and very much prefers to take care of things herself, and about 30% giant dorky goofball (I am the master of weird faces). She insists that he needs to see a much more vulnerable side of me. Not looking forward to that. Not so good at showing my vulnerable side. I’m a Cancer, I hide in my shell when I’m vulnerable.

I’m going to go out and spend as much time as possible outside before it gets too cold.

I’m going to try working getting my tattoo somewhere in there, or at least in November. It is more of a money issue, plus not sure where I’m going to go. Probably going to try the artist that did my best friend’s tat. Also still trying to figure out exactly what it is going to be.

That got a bit rambly.

Until next time loves.

Happy Thor’s day!

For the Love of the Golden Goddess

Kind of going along the lines of the tarot reading I did for Thor and Fenrir, I decided might as well keep it going for all of the Gods in my life.

Next was Freya.

I haven’t talked too terribly much about her as of late but She is still very much an active member of my life.

I asked her what She would like out of our relationship. I was consulting my Mystic Faerie Tarot deck.

The Eight of Cups was the first card I pulled.

Just for information purposes, if you aren’t particularly familiar with tarot, the cups cards are usually dealing with emotions.

In the Mystic Faerie tarot each card as a story about the faerie on the card. This one apparently fell in love with a wood elf that disappeared. The card depicting her looking for her beloved elf, having found a dragonfly as a companion that knows the homes of the elves.

 Are you kidding me? Thank you for being so obvious that the message is from you Lady.

In the “your message” section of the description of this card, it said basically you already know what needs to be done but you have to be brave enough to do it.

Well thanks for being semi cryptic. So I pulled another one for clarity.

The Empress was the next one I pulled.

Interesting history with this card. When I did a reading for my older sister forever ago, her wanting to know if she is ever going to have children, this was her  future card. Was made pretty obvious that it was going to happen, she just needed to be patient and get her spending under control (the rest of that is from the rest of the card, pentacles was heavy in the spread, the money suit). She didn’t believe me, having convinced herself she was barren.  For the new players at home, she is in fact currently pregnant. I still need to perform for her the “I told you so” dance. If you don’t know what that is, its a dance Elliot from Scrubs does.

Any who, back on topic.

The Empress is very much about love and nurturing. This deck specifically talks about finding the beauty in what would normally be considered plain (the stalks of wheat).

When looking at the first card, I had my suspicions on what She was talking about, and The Empress confirmed it.

Since Freya has come into my life, she consistently forces me to look myself in the eye. Forces me to see my own beauty despite how painful it may be for me (and with my history, it is painful). And once I do that, I am shown the beauty in others. To revel in it. That is what she wants of me. To see the beauty in all things and to show others the same. To not be afraid to be loud about it, to go forward.

She feels I am even more qualified for this with my work with Thor and Fenrir, my work in strength and of unbinding.

To show the strength in beauty and the beauty in strength.

The other day, for the first time ever, I gave her an offering in tears.

A video was brought to my attention. A video of an over weight woman that stripped to just a bra and underwear in a crowded city square. She put a blind fold on herself, and held markers in her hands that were outstretched.

The amount of love she received really brought me to tears, and Freya asked for them which I lovingly obliged.

That is all I have on this for the moment.

Until next time loves.

Wolf’s gifts for the Wolf

So everything is done and received. Got my candle, and finished my little project for Fenrir.

If you have been keeping up with my evolving relationship with Fenrir, I promised him an answer to whether or not I would marry him once I got the candle. Got the candle, had to answer. Answer was a tentative yes (which had him pouting for awhile), with a long engagement. He knows I’m wanting to work on my relationship with Thor more before taking that step, but I love him. I may be a little bit of a commitment-phobe to be honest. Even with my boyfriend on this side of the fence, I have to fight the urge to run sometimes.

Without further or do, pictures!

This is the candle for Fenrir I commissioned Beth to make. She is always good about working with me on the scents for custom candles. I usually know colors, but scent is something I have no idea about. She always has good options and they always work out great. I told her I wanted something woodsy, and she came up with fir needle, black pine, and cedar wood. I love it.

I wear this just about everyday. I bought it off Seb. It went on sale at just the right moment. It is made with dark Labradorite (which is one of my favorite stones). There is some flash on the beads but they are really had to capture without spending more time on it than I really have.

And my project for Him!

*insert drum roll*

This is the first necklace I have ever made.

The pendant is hand carved out of Ziricote (type of wood from South America) and finished with a lacquer. Not only do I love the image of the howling wolf but the wood pendant is a nod to his roots being born in the iron wood.

The large beads are labradorite which have an amazing flash to them. The smaller being smoky quartz with hematite spacers.

Honestly, the necklace was very influenced by both Beth and Sebastian. But he was wanting it specially made by my own hands (normally I buy stuff from them, only way I’m artistic usually is sketching).

I’m really proud of how it turned out. At first it was a little rocky. I had to order all the beads and the pendant online so that can be semi risky (no really good local places to get that kind of stuff). The smoky quartz beads were actually smaller than they were supposed to so I had to reconsider my original plan of design. It actually turned out better this way than I originally planned (Fenrir: I know what I’m doing, thank you).

Now guess who wants a necklace made too?

Freya: *waiving spastically*

Me: You’re lucky I love you.

Freya: *laughs maniacally*

Thor is good, he’s getting a tattoo.

Until next time loves.

Happy Mani’s Day!

Two Wolves and the Thunderer Part II

There was a whole part of the conversation with Thor last night that I completely forgot.

Was going to add it to the last post but eh, just making a second one.

After the conversation with Him about our relationship, I asked him about how he felt about me possibly marrying Fenrir. With this one he was a bit more direct.

I ended up pulling Strength.

Not only is he not against it but he thinks it will be beneficial to both of us He believes I will “tame” him and that he will make me stronger, that we will tear down each others bindings.

It was an unexpected card for me.

By the way, the reason I decided to do this through tarot cards instead of just talk to them like I normally would is to avoid my own thought getting in the way or tainting their opinions. Now the tarot cards give more of a general answer that you have to actually relate to the question at hand, but the general answer will steer you in the correct direction.

This is probably my shortest post to date.

Two Wolves and the Thunderer

So with all this stuff going on with Fenrir, I haven’t talked much about Thor.

For the new viewers at home, Thor was the first of the Norse to come into my life and he had very much approached me. It was at a time when I was trying to find what religion would be right for me after falling out of Wicca (the gateway to being pagan for most). I had briefly looked at the Norse Path, and apparently grabbed his attention, deciding to bust down the door.

Fenrir is a lot newer as far as the Gods in my life, but he really likes pushing things forward quickly.

With Fenrir being very obvious about wanting marriage, I have been worried about how Thor might feel about this. I had previously made it very clear about not wanting to be a godspouse. Now, I’m not so sure on it.

Yesterday being His day, I had a sit down with him. I whipped out Tarot Illuminati again. I’m not going to get into the specific cards this time because there were several. I really just asked him what he is wanting to become/ get out of our relationship.

I had to pull several cards because this one was a bit more complicated. With Fenrir, the card I pulled was incredibly obvious so I didn’t feel the need to go any further.

Here’s what came of it.

With Fenrir coming into the picture, Thor has kind of taken a side step back. I was getting a bit of the new shiny thing syndrome. Thor and I need to renew our relationship, strengthen our bond. He is wanting an oath, but he also needs me to push aside my fears. The fears that I’ll end up being more of a god slave than godspouse. The he will demand my life, spiritual and mundane, become all about him and that I won’t have any freedom anymore. The fear that I won’t be able to choose anymore. In all of this, I have to make the decision on what will happen.

I promised Fenrir that once his candle comes in I will give him an answer. But, we have now made an agreement that if I agree to marriage, it won’t happen for awhile. Not until I get my relationship with Thor completely back on track. So, if I agree it’s going to be more like an engagement.

There is also a chance it may end up being a sort of three way wedding.

I have agreed to a blood oath with Thor. He has been in my life so long it kind of just seems like an about time situation (just like with my Profession). I will being doing this in the form of a tattoo. I have issues with hurting myself on purpose (Gods know I’ve done it plenty of time on accident), I just can’t get myself to do it. Even something as simple as pricking my finger.

So now, I need to start saving up for the tattoo and figure out exactly what I will get for Him. Any ideas would be much appreciated.

Today the boys are giving me a break, minus a quickly with Thor this morning. Freya is spending some time with me, helping me with this possible adjustment. Honestly, I’m incredibly nervous.

Until next time loves. Happy Freya day!

Things are Escalating

So things have escalated with Mr. Fenrir this past week.

Since Frey has been hanging around Fenrir has gotten rather territorial. I have to get on to him a bit about it sometimes. He is improving though.

I’m ordering a special made candle for him and I’m also working on my own project for him. I’m not telling what it is. I’ve ordered the materials, just have to wait for them to come in.

We spent a lot of time together over the weekend.

I learned that he likes older/classic rock. He really seems to like Zeppelin and The Who, as well as Journey.

After a bit of nooky time we both had a smoke and I was playing my iHeart radio Journey channel and it was nothing but love ballads. He just kind of sat there smiling, smoking his cigarette while I gave him the side eye.

That night I had a dream about a scene mentioned here. It’s about a spirit-worker that horsed Fenrir. They started out with him being chained up. In the dream I was there this happened. The moment Fenrir came through, he realized he was bound and instantly became savage. At the beginning I was kind of in the middle of the crowd surrounding the man. Once he went savage I quickly pushed my way to the front. To him. I was screaming at the ones that bound him, calling them monsters as they try to stop me from approaching the savage and bound man. I got close to him and he instantly stopped. He looked at me with such sorrow in his dark brown eyes. I went to him and held him, and he wept. Whimpering “why did they do this to me? What have I done to deserve this?” As he wept I slowly undid the chains.

I feel like this was Fenrir’s way of showing me how he feels about it.

For awhile now I’ve been getting the “I want to take things to the next level” feels from Fenrir. Previously I had made a point with Thor that I wasn’t interested in being a godspouse. Just didn’t feel like it was right for me as much as I love Thor (which by the way hasn’t changed at all). But Fenrir is much more interested in it and there have been hints about children, which that is a whole other story.

Our relationship is very different from the relationship I have with Thor. So taking things to the next level will not mean I loose Thor in any way shape or form and Fenrir is very much aware of this fact. That said, I’m starting to think I might actually be able to go that far with Fenrir.

Freya is giving the thumbs up on the whole thing too.

Updates as they come.

Happy Mani’s day. Until next time loves.

My New Stuff

Here is some of the new stuff I got as promised.

10 points to who can guess where this ring is from.

Guess it yet?

It’s Galadriel’s ring from Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit. From the side it kind of looks like a cupcake not going to lie.

See a part of my nail polish collection? I have way more than I need.

My new drinking horn! I bought it off Fen at the Mead Day thing I went to. I’m still waiting for him to bring me my home brewed Strawberry Mead that unreliable bastard. In the background you can see my Freya candle (the front one, second from the top) from Beth. The scent is pure essential oils of amber, rosa damascena, and chocolate (similar to scent she uses for the perfume which I also have) and let me tell you it smells absolutely delicious! Plus the wood wicks are awesome. The candle closer to the back (the brighter one) is also from Beth but obviously not one she sells anymore. I’ve had it for quite sometime. It actually just stopped lighting for me today, so I’m buying a new one for him.

And my new stuff for momma Frigga. Obviously, also from Beth. This candle is scented with lavender, vanilla, and sweet birch. It’s kind of a cozy but sweet smell, pretty perfect for her I think.

I noticed while it was burning that the little sparkles on the candle were creating a rainbow. It was really pretty. I didn’t quite catch it though. Bummer.

Any who, the thing wrapped around the candle is my Frigga prayer beads from, you guessed it, Beth!

So somehow this post became an advertisement for Beth. Maybe I should start charging for this.

I kid I kid, I joke I joke.

If any of you remember the pictures of my sacred space before (what I call my non alter) there was a different cloth under. I just bought the new one. Trees. It was actually with Halloween stuff, but Halloween time is when I buy my regular décor. But I liked the trees and I thought it could be a way (for now) to incorporate Yggdrasil into the space. I’m running on a budget and I also can’t be too obvious with my stuff until I move out (living in a very Christian household does that).

I’ve ordered a Frey candle from Beth (still advertising) as well so just waiting on that since they are made to order. I will post on him becoming a part of my life as well. Might just take a bit.

Have been pretty busy.

As well as I will do a post on the Wolf Tribe. Still debating on doing recipes. Thinking maybe a recipe once a week on a set day. Any thoughts on doing that or requests are appreciated. Since most of them will be from my days in culinary school some of them might include a picture of what I actually made. I didn’t take that many pictures so no promises. Also planning on a post about being a Pagan/Heathen in the Bible belt and in a Christian house. Just my experience and some tips on how to cope.

Off topic. Checked the weather today. Next week is supposed to get into the 90’s. I just had to open my big mouth. But, like I said, with Missouri you can’t predict the weather too accurately. You can get four seasons in a week.

Until next time my loves.